The expected feeling of joy from the appearance of the child disappears and after a few years, the parents begin to notice, in addition to endless love, also a high level of irritability to their children. There are frequent cases of not just irritability, but constant disruption to a cry or even assault. This seems illogical and unacceptable, so many are beginning to look for answers on how to stop shouting at the child and beat him in literary sources and at individual therapy.
The reasons for crying are different - from a bad mood and inability to restore their own emotional state, to the inability of parents to maintain discipline in other ways and to achieve obedience. In any case, for the child's psyche, the cry is a frustrating factor, and in the case when it comes from parents, the traumatic influence extends to life and correction is not always amenable, even with the participation of a narrow specialist.
Many scientists even compare the psychotrauma received from the cry of parents with the consequences of military actions for the fighters. A cry is always perceived as an attack, as a threat to life, even physical violence. However, the child’s subconscious mechanisms set in motion evolutionarily, when a roar and a cry were a harbinger of an attack and testified to imminent danger. It is impossible then to logically explain to the little man that his parents love him and not subjected to either violence or threat, then it will be necessary to work on the subconscious layers of the psyche, therefore it is necessary to teach how to stop shouting at children in order not to bring the situation to a stalemate.
Causes of emotional breakdowns
They come for advice on how to stop shouting at the child, when he does not listen to those parents who initially do not want to admit their share of responsibility in what is happening, but explain everything only by disobedience of the child. At the same time, the majority of emotional breakdowns are provoked not by the actual behavior of the child, but by the own psycho-emotional state of the parents. Before setting new educational procedures and trying to change a child in a convenient direction, it is necessary to find the reasons for the breakdown of nerves of the parents themselves, whose number always exceeds the permissible norms in modern society.
In the first place is the experience of its own powerlessness before some situation, and if the breakdowns on others already begin, then the situation most likely lasts for quite a long time. These include the hopeless attempts to teach the child to perform some kind of action or constant contact with the fact that he does not hear any requests to remove the toys behind him or not to touch the hot. Such hopelessness is born where all other methods have been tried before, more than once, and the result is absent even in minimal manifestations. In this situation, the cry on the child should be perceived as a parent cry for help, along with the recognition of their own surrender to the problem.
The lack of mental or physical energy, work on the verge of their capabilities, the constant priority of others, including the child to the detriment of their own needs, lead to burnout of the nervous system. Problems exist constantly and when they are solved in the non-stop mode, the space, being accustomed to the reliability and success of what is happening, will require even more. As a result, the forces end, there is no place to replenish them, and a person by this moment finds himself completely in obligations regarding home, work, and family, requiring attention. At such moments, any attempt to attract attention is assessed as an attempt at mental health, since the nervous breakdown is already close. In this state, the psyche does not make out who demands its resources and is belligerent to all, and accordingly to the child, requiring attention. Good rest and delegation of half the duties will help.
Another feature of the psyche is the constant sensation of both love and dislike, even disgust for one’s own child, experienced by all parents, which is absolutely normal. Breakdowns occur when the person is not quite matured herself or has not learned to find a balance. When different feelings are torn apart, this is different from the state when others are torn apart at one moment. This is the phone that rang, a broken cup, a dog running in and a question asked - there are a lot of such moments in daily life, and they all require a choice. It is impossible to simultaneously respond to all the stimuli of the environment, so some of them must be removed, then the cry is selected as a stopping factor.
Parents may experience a period of frustration in children associated with fantasies about their future or their talents, many realize their dreams in such an indirect way. The work of projections, instead of seeing a real person with his needs, shortcomings and unique capabilities, often becomes the cause of inadequate requirements leading to a voice increase.
A cry can be a manifestation of fear, i.e. even though it looks threatening, and the parent himself will be perceived as an aggressor, he may have panic or real horror inside. These fears are associated with fear for the child himself, especially if there were previously situations of his possible loss or death.
The second variant of horror is an out-of-control situation, when an adult in a panic does not understand what to do (emergency situations, unexplainable behavior of the child, external threat or misunderstanding of his own state). All situations where the parent, as the most responsible loses control, lead to an increased level of nervousness, and the breakdown happens to the one for whom they are afraid, in child-parent relationships it is always a child.
Tips for a psychologist how to stop shouting at a child
Tips on how to stop shouting at a child can be heard on the street from unfamiliar passers-by, read on dubious forums, but the most effective methods are always those where a specialist takes part in analyzing a problem, therefore it is worth consulting with psychologists or psychotherapists. Special techniques and techniques that can save you from the crying problem at once do not exist, unfortunately, you will have to analyze your behavior every day and remember what will help you overcome an emotional outburst and put it into practice as many times as possible. habit of reacting to the situation.
The initial advice from psychologists is to correctly and clearly distinguish between social roles, to establish a distance with your own child. Often parents start to break down after they become too close with their children, roughly speaking, they are one level with them and are not perceived as older, more experienced and knowledgeable, but as comrades equal in knowledge and level of development. In such a situation, the child ceases to feel the authority, begins to demand more and more, and the parent may mistakenly believe that the fastest possible fulfillment of all his requirements gives love. Unfortunately, the child’s psyche is different and it needs from its parents not the restructuring of the universe to the wishes of the child, but clear rules and boundaries.
From the understanding of distance and different levels of responsibility, the next need for effective education is born. Spacious conversations and even a substantive explanation of the situation for children is not a necessity and has a low level of productivity regarding behavior adjustment, but it leads to frequent breakdowns among parents. Trying to explain the obvious things (why you cannot spend the last money or when you should go to bed) parents risk being very morally depleted and end up crying out if you just set the limits of behavior and monitor their observance, the result will come faster and the nervous system will be more complete.
Parents should be aware and work out their emotions in the direction of eliminating excess guilt for every breakdown, because you can not restructure with the usual way of responding. It is necessary to give time to get used to communication without crying and not blame anyone until it works. The system will resist and try to return the person to the usual method of crying for some time after they began to communicate according to new principles and this can manifest itself, for example, that the child will not initially respond to a normal voice, out of habit expecting a cry. Over time, the situation is transformed, if you do not expect instant results from yourself.
Specific actions against the shouting of parents can concern both independent practices and restructuring communication with the child. For example, a baby can be asked to say warning phrases at times when parents are just beginning to scream, while it is important to explain that you will also try to cope with yourself, but now the parent needs help.
The options are different - from direct requests to stop shouting and show your love before demonstratively closing your ears with your hands. After the child began to make such comments, the main thing is to hear and support them, thank you for the reminder, explain your emotional state, ask for forgiveness and be sure to discuss the situation that caused the cry in a calm tone.
Give the children official permission to interrupt when you start to cry out. This may be in the form of oral remarks or distancing, some easier to leave the room. In all cases, you should not insist on continuing the conversation, go after the child - it is optimal to take a pause and assess the situation.
Parents themselves can present their anger not in the format of shouting, but using humor, when instead of a higher tone you can growl or grunt, chase the child, trying to tickle him. It is proposed to pick out words not offensive curses that demean any personality characteristics (fool, idiot, etc.), but to invent your own non-existent words, such as red mullet, crackers, and others. It is imperative that you tell your child that you love him, stroke him, hug him and show your feelings with all sorts of other methods — then even periodic disruptions will not cause a serious level to the deep structures of the personality. In addition, when we regularly tell someone about our love, our own concentration of aggressiveness decreases, and weasel is fixed as the leading style of behavior.
It is obligatory to prevent burnout, for which it is necessary to unload yourself as much as possible from numerous tense moments in order not to disrupt the anger and overload on the child. Delegate duties, read books on time management, use delivery services, leave logistical routes, even going to a hairdresser and a shop. The more you release your time and the more problems will be solved automatically, the more calm the reaction will be with the parent in principle, which means that the chance to break free from scratch decreases.
The free time should be devoted to taking care of yourself and increasing your own happiness, development, and life satisfaction. Those. when you delegated all the duties, then you do not begin to give all the attention to the child, clean the apartment and help the husband with the report - this is the time you spend on your own pleasure. Let it be watching your favorite movie, manicure, a conversation with a friend, or at least a rest in silence with a mask on your face for twenty minutes.
The mechanism is quite simple - the more satisfied the mother is, the more happiness she can give to the children, the capacity for patience increases, there are resources for finding a way out of difficult situations. The normal functioning of the psyche can be provided with yoga classes, trips to a psychotherapist or organization of leisure activities based on one’s interests. In each day there should be a temporary piece, when no one can be disturbed and even there is no need to take care of the child - then the recuperation takes place.