Psychology and Psychiatry

Someone's mind

Someone's mind - This is an assessment, installation or guideline expressed by another individual or hypothetically intended by him. Often a person agrees that planning for life based on other people's guidelines is an unsuccessful strategy, but subordinates some life events to the influence of someone else's opinion. The manifestation of this perception is boasting as an aggressive way to get someone else's positive assessment, envy of others, strong character, fear of disappointment, complaints, discussion of your life, demand of advice on everyday life situations, blaming others, complaining that the advice did not lead to the expected total.

How not to depend on someone else's opinion is a painful question. The inability to limit the influence of another's opinion is the result of a breach of confidence, an extreme form of socialization, when the differentiation of I and Others is weakened. The emerging personality needs someone else's opinion, since, often, it is a source of information that is inaccessible due to the lack of subjective experience.

Dependence on the opinions of others

Individual differences of an individual are laid at an early stage of development. Each individual begins to depend on the other, being in passivity, when the other does everything for him, while still in the womb. Further, the person goes through the experience of independence, starting with physical independence - the first independent breath. Next, he seeks to expand his independence, learning to hold cutlery, talk, walk. Despite this, the child is still objectively dependent on the parents and carers. Its survival, including biological, depends on the care of significant adults. Love and acceptance on the part of the guardians are a kind of guarantor that they will continue to care and help to explore the world. During this period, the basic trust in the world, significant for the further self-determination of the individual, develops.

If trust is formed, the person will declare individual needs, look for independent ways to satisfy them, being sure that the world will accept his behavior, the value will not be broken, the resources of the individual will be directed towards development. Authorities will be formed with whom it is possible to exchange views, respectful communication, having, if necessary, a deliberative character. But another scenario may be involved, the child is faced with a lack of parents, full or partial, their high anxiety, when the prohibition on independence will be imposed because of the inability to cope with their own fear.

Also, parents can resort to a certain blackmail "do not do it - I will not love you, I will give." In such a situation, a person may come to the conclusion that if he does not comply with the requirements of a significant person, he will reject him and leave him alone in an unfamiliar, and therefore cruel world, ready to devour the person. This actualizes the fear of self-destruction. And if you comply with the requirements, you can avoid punishment, and possibly receive love, the need for which the child feels constantly.

As they grow older, educators, teachers, peers, leaders, marriage partners become the carriers of authoritative assessment. Normally, it develops socialization and gives greater independence, as a person learns social norms and interaction with different people in various fields. If a person has not gained the experience of autonomy in the age of formation and has not learned to be independent in an adult, then the pattern of submission for the sake of receiving love will continue to be used. And a person will increasingly move away from individual aspirations and focus on the wishes of others and feel the fear of not pleasing them.

The ability to adopt values, traditions, concepts of bad and good is respectful attitude to the opinions of others. The psychoanalytic concept calls it the superego (superego) - this is the person’s “nadsenka”, his conscience, the concepts of right / wrong, must / not, good / bad. These concepts are rather abstract and subjective, therefore they have no unanimously accepted definition.

To some extent, a person focuses on legal regulations, those concepts that are accepted in his society, and may differ in another, which is reflected in the differences in rights and freedoms in different countries and cultures. This is a form of an objective attitude towards the opinions of others, a person is born in a society, limited by the rules and responsibilities that others have adopted and they are told, what are his legal rights and obligations. The absence of such an orientation to a different outlook would lead to a halt in the development of society, because constant confrontation to assert its vision of basic, fundamental concepts takes up the resource that is necessary for the realization of development. In contrast, focusing exclusively on the values ​​and traditions of the past, not adopting a new one, blocks development and progress, making one feel the fear of the new and the unknown, a similar struggle, but already with progress in favor of regress.

In the inner world of each individual, an interaction takes place that resembles external events. First, a person survives and lives, focusing on the experience of surrounding elders or having greater authority, then there comes a period when his personal experience, the realities of the world, obsolescence of the concepts that have been taught, conflicts with traditions, beliefs and teachings. At the age of 2-3 years, the child begins to consciously perceive his personality, and says "I myself / a" and clearly manifested in adolescence. Next, a person, normally, learns to balance respect for the opinions of others and the ability to independently assess reality by making independent decisions. But, sometimes a person does not develop independence and is formed as a person dependent on someone else's opinion.

How to stop depending on someone else's opinion?

It is necessary to distinguish tolerance for another's opinion and dependence on it. Tolerance is the ability to recognize him and to treat him critically without emotional inclusion.

How to not depend on the opinions of others ask the experts and others, putting themselves in a paradoxical situation. Complete disregard for another view is not a sign of an autonomous, confident, independent person. Ignoring is not an end in itself. A person is social and he needs to adequately relate to a different position, given that he is often expressed by people who love and are loved by him.

How to stop listening to someone else's opinion? A different view should be analyzed, weighing its relevance and value. Sometimes a person is paralyzed by the inability to make an independent step, without hearing someone else's opinion, passively waiting for clues. A negative assessment, expressed verbally or not verbally, and sometimes only the intended one, can provoke to stop realizing the aspirations.

Concern about the opinions of others takes its origins in uncertainty, focusing on others, a person reinforces the individual image of a non-independent and uncertain, which increases the uncertainty, getting into a vicious circle. Anxiety about the opinions of others, which may contradict not only personal assessments, but also mutually contradictory, as well as the real situation, leads to throwings, inconsistency, reduced prudence, erroneous behavior in stressful situations.

The more space is given to someone else's opinion, the less a person participates in the realization of his life, such a strategy leads to thoughts of his own pricelessness, which, combined with aggressiveness towards a sense of control, can form auto-aggression, depressions, or even suicidal feelings.

There are opposite extremes - a complete disregard for another view and a complete orientation towards it. Any expression of disagreement, doubt is perceived negatively and swept aside without deliberation. In this case, often, the person is engaged in self-deception, because the support and positive evaluation of the action is also an example of a different assessment. The unsystematic denial of another's opinion leads to the impossibility of receiving a response to actions, an image in the eyes of society.

Aggressively rejecting someone else's opinion, entering into discourse, a person too often declares his opinion (for someone else it is someone else's), negatively evaluating the interlocutor, his experience and value of the point of view.

The significance of an opinion depends on the media point of view, its relationship to the reference group. For each sphere, a similar group may be separate.

Orientation on the opinions of others may be life threatening. When studying victim risks, it was determined that often people put themselves in potentially dangerous situations, as a result of the fear of appearing rude, suspicious or offending another with distrust. Trust is based on positive behavior, not on the absence of negative or just in fact. Politeness does not mean the formation of trust, it is only social etiquette, a neutral form of communication.

Uncertainty leads to a certain optical distortion. It creates the illusion that independence will lead to condemnation and ridicule, and obedience and passivity will be approved and respect in the eyes of others will increase. The result is the opposite - they respect those who are responsible and independent, while those who give in to the opinions of others remain under constant pressure. For people who formally recognize their dependence on someone else's opinion, there is self-deception that this is a temporary, necessary measure, the goal of which is to obtain the necessary authority and significance. And then, having become independent, they will automatically earn their own independence and independence. Difference from temporary submission to the rules in emotional independence from the assessment, there is no anxiety to receive a negative opinion, there may be regret from not receiving a practical result, the assessment itself will be completely ignored.

Dependence on the opinions of others is sometimes successfully disguised as positive and socially approved feelings, such as respect for elders, complicity, empathy. But respect implies taking into account, not blind obedience, complicity is important if decisions objectively relate directly to the life and fate of another, then it is a compromise, and empathy implies the ability to act within their responsibility, because going beyond it can mean violating foreign borders. Those. it is the violation of all these points that leads to dependence on the opinions of others; adequate understanding will help to separate oneself from it.

How not to pay attention to someone else's opinion?

Dependence on someone else's opinion, like any kind of dependence, suggests that the deliverance of a malicious (someone else's opinion) requires putting a new one in its place - your own opinion. Often this is a difficult moment - your opinion involves taking responsibility. After all, using someone else's opinion, the person shifts the responsibility to another. If someone else's opinion is analyzed, accepted as adequate and used consciously, then by integrating, it becomes part of its own and responsibility is taken on.

When an individual makes a decision, acts according to him and copes with the consequences, including negative ones, his confidence grows and the opinions of others become less and less important, since there is an experience of independent behavior.

In some situations, the person himself can assign someone else's opinion, suggesting that others think or will think. This may not correspond and even completely contradict the real points of view.

If someone else's opinion is expressed without a request for it, it is not valuable and important, it is enough just to refuse it, to say "no." The desire to enter into a dispute, an explanation of why the opinion is unnecessary and proving why the wrong one is also a signal of dependence on the opinions of others, since its importance is sufficient to cause an emotional response and confrontation.

The opinions of others are harmless in themselves, as long as the person does not give them a certain power to influence themselves. A person fully responsible acts consciously, accepting all possible consequences. Sometimes it happens the other way around and a positive assessment in a certain way stops the development of the personality, since criticism helps to see the growth zone, and the constant conviction that “everything is fine” reinforces passivity.

Do not think in advance about the views of others. It may not be there, people are busy with their lives, it may be differently supposed, expressed correctly and reasonably, lose value or, on the contrary, genuinely want to know it. It should be remembered that a different view (and personal) may change over time. People get new experience, come into contact with new situations, overestimate their positions and beliefs, fashion is changing. What is condemned now can be approved later and vice versa. Everyone evaluates reality, based on personal experience and subjective impression.

Be interested in the opinion of professionals. An objective, independent assessment, even if it is controversial or critical, will help assess one's behavior and be strengthened in its rationality or not. The opinion of loved ones is a matter of great prejudice, because there is an emotional connection.

If there is no violation of the law, a person acts within his own boundaries, without claiming to be outside the border - this is enough for a confident reliance on his opinion. If a person is conscious of desires, goals, is independent, ready to bear responsibility, the opinions of others cease to influence personal landmarks. It is analyzed and accepted, causing a positive reaction only if it brings something useful and necessary to our person.

Sensation and understanding of one’s own emotional processes gives an understanding of the relationship between external influence and one’s own desires. In search of oneself, it is efficient to critically analyze one's beliefs, which were an indisputable truth, but caused internal resistance. Sometimes it is worth reducing communication with those who persistently impose their position until internal personality supports are developed. Perhaps some social contacts will be terminated and a new social environment will be formed. A close environment will change the behavior under the influence of changes in the contact. Taking responsibility for individual change and consistently realizing oneself in this is the way to form internal autonomy.

A person who is able to listen without giving and imposing his judgment, advice and assessment, showing mutual tolerance for the opinions of others, integrity and consistency of behavior causes respect and desire to conform to such behavior.