Psychology and Psychiatry

How to survive the death of mom

How to survive the death of mom? Loss of a loved one is the most stressful of all. The death of a mother takes anyone by surprise and is experienced quite hard at any age, be it a child of five or fifty. In order to survive such a shock, it may take several years, and if you do not pay enough attention to the stages of grief, the consequences can remain an unhealed wound throughout life.

It’s quite normal that you want to talk about your mother with everyone around you quite often. Perhaps memories of mom will pop up in inappropriate, strange moments, not previously associated with her. When you feel a similar desire to express your thoughts, do not lock it in yourself. Acknowledge what you are missing and need support. It may seem that people around are indifferent to your tragedy, because they do not want to discuss this topic. In fact, a person may be afraid of hurting you with his inappropriate remarks or causing tears with some questions. It is precisely guided by care about you and a small possibility of enduring someone else's crying and suffering that people try to limit the talk about your loss or shake you out of the experience.

Waiting for help from the outside, you can get the opposite effect, and people will sincerely wish you well. Help them in this desire to find the necessary form. When you want to tell something - ask to be near and listen, note that this does not oblige a person to solve problems or raise your spirits, but simply to listen. When someone is too intrusive or rude in his desire to help, report your discomfort, ask not to interfere or tell them that you will start a conversation when there is a need for it. With such it is better not to discuss the loss of the closest person in order not to get hurt even more, it is also good to arrange moments of silence for yourself.

How to survive the death of mom? Do not be alone with your feelings and do not depreciate them, even if there are no people around you who can adequately stay with you or give practical advice, you can turn to a psychotherapist, a priest or a person who is sympathetic to you. How you live your feelings depends on your decisions and choices — help survive the death of the mother by yourself, directing others in their aspirations and looking for suitable ways of coping.

How to survive the death of a mother - tips psychologist

Such a strong emotional shock, as the death of a mother happens to everyone, is over you can hardly forget this fact and make the memories exceptionally joyous, deprived of a bitter aftertaste, but you can gradually return your full-fledged functioning and pain to be replaced by a feeling of light sadness.

How is it easier to survive the death of mom? Do not rush into wanting to quickly bring their lives to the image in which she was accustomed to the tragedy. First, it is impossible, because your life has changed significantly, and ignoring this fact violates your vision, and therefore interaction with reality.

Secondly, you need to give yourself enough time for mourning, living pain and melancholy, not looking at examples of who for how many coped with this shock. People have different relationships with their mothers, and even death itself is different, which also affects the rate of decrease in anguish.

Give yourself time to adapt. You may have to revise your whole lifestyle, and perhaps only change some areas, change the algorithms. Gradually return to both the necessary cases and the activities that brought you joy, it is unlikely your mother would like your life to end with her physical death.

How to survive the death of mom and let go of the feeling of guilt? Fill in the gaps, which were previously carried out with mom new activities, instead of filling this time with sadness. Naturally, at first, such a state is normal, and the first new year and first birthday should pass without mom, but if you don’t put something else in this time gap, then you will simply throw out this time of your life, scratching the inner wound.

While you are in the process of mourning, you can preserve the memory of your mother. Record the cases that you remember, select in a separate box its decorations and memorable things. You can visit relatives and her friends by spending time together at a tea party, on which you can prepare your mother's favorite cake - after talking with people who knew your mother from the other side, you can replenish your memories of her, feel the connection at another level, something clarify for yourself. It often happens that mother leaves, and we still don’t have time to ask all the questions that concern us, either because we didn’t find an opportunity or courage. Through communication with people who knew her, you can learn if not all, then part of the answers, as well as get tips on how to survive the death of your mother and let go of the feeling of guilt for the understatement.

Pay conscious attention to caring for your physical condition - grief is very exhausting in itself, plus the bothersome funerals and hereditary affairs will fall on you. Watch your sleep, and no matter how much business is planned for today, go to rest on time. Reduce criticality to your appearance: energy can be saved on make-up, stilettos and daily styling, but take care of the cleanliness of your body and a balanced diet three times a day. If you are crying a lot now, carry a bottle of water - you will compensate for the loss of fluid, and you will get a little relief based on a reflex mechanism. But avoid alcohol - the effect will be short-lived, and the consequences can be depressing.

How to survive the death of mom? Psychological advice is this: track your emotional state to determine when the feeling of anguish and pain increases - this will not relieve you of your experiences, but it will help you to pass these moments less painfully. For example, starting to cry in the middle of the trading floor, because you used to go shopping with your mother, the next time you bring someone who can support you. Also, against the background of emotional outbursts, you can be visited by a radical idea, or the conclusion that your marriage is terrible, your career is hopeless. Write down and check any harsh conclusions and hasty decisions for truthfulness - by time, by logic, by reasonableness, by the support of others. Since often the desire for a radical change in your life during a crisis period is not due to the fact that you discovered the truth of existence, but with the desire to escape from the former structure, in which everything is reminiscent of an irreparable loss that now causes severe mental pain.

Ask for help to friends who you can just wrap up in a blanket on the balcony and sit silently for several hours, and understand how to survive the death of your mother and let go of the feeling of guilt that can follow you out of false hope that everything could to fix. But remember that not all your friends can know what you need and how you should be treated at all in this period. Choose people who can now support you, and be able to refuse the help that could hurt you or you feel resistance (go to the club, start a new novel, take on a difficult project - to distract yourself).

If no one is around and there is no opportunity to talk with friends or relatives, you can turn to strangers and, most surprisingly, get a lot of support. You can read the forums and ask questions to psychologists online or share your feelings in the community where you are a member. You can also contact a psychotherapist, which will be useful even if there are supporting people around. Choose a psychotherapist for an inner sensation, a peculiar click, which will make it clear that this is your person - this is better than relying solely on the specialization of working with a loss injury.

How to survive the death of a mother from cancer?

The way a person dies, postpones the imprint on the remaining to live. Sudden and quick death takes them by surprise, gives rise to a sense of confusion and indignation at injustice, there are many misunderstandings and regrets that you rarely see, and in the last conversation you get nasty. In case of death from oncology, there are several specific moments for the children of the dying.

Most often, this death is not sudden and easy. The patient himself and his relatives are notified of the irreversibility of the approaching outcome, and the remaining days are forced to live with this cargo. Of course, such knowledge obtained in advance makes it possible to ask what they did not dare, to talk about the most important, to ask for forgiveness. You can not be absolutely ready, but you can prepare in part in some domestic and ritual matters. But when a mother dies of cancer, this is a test of her spirit, and also represents a difficult test for children who are beginning to go through the stages of loss when the mother is alive.

This desire to deny what is happening, disbelief doctors and diagnosis. Anger is born for higher powers for being allowed to mom for being ill, for being powerless. A lot of negative emotions and confusion before the future, which threatens to take away from the world of someone who has always been there and archetypically represents this whole world, puts a cruel test on the human psyche. Often, with such a diagnosis, one has to sacrifice important parts of his life in order to care for his mother, while in a half-shock state, in which the person himself needs psychological help. All this is very exhausting and the desire "rather would be born", for which many will later eat their eternal sense of guilt.

It’s worth sharing that you didn’t make the quickest death for your mom, you wished for the cessation of suffering for her and for yourself, and possibly your whole family. Cancer death is a frequent blend of feelings of loss and relief from your own suffering. Here it is necessary to understand that it was not in your power to change the hour of mother's death, no matter how well you cared about her.

There may be a fear of developing your own oncology or a feeling of phantom pain in the same place as the deceased. Of course, it is possible to conduct an examination and it is even recommended to do this once a year, but if the symptoms bother you further, you should contact a psychotherapist for disassociation from a destructive way.

All other recommendations are the same as with other losses of loved ones - live grief, enjoy support, competently restructure your life and gradually return to the usual routine, paying due attention to the care of maintaining physical resources.

How to help the child survive the death of mom?

It is believed that the child is easier than an adult experiencing a loss, quickly forgets, or may not even be aware of the fact of the death of the parent. A fundamentally incorrect statement that breaks the psyche of many children, because if an adult has already formed some adaptive concepts and the ability to independently survive in this world, then for a child the mother’s death is equivalent to an apocalypse, since his survival depends entirely on it.

Experiencing grief in children looks in a specific way, differs from crying and hysteria of adults, and evaluation of their behavior according to the criteria of adult characteristics can lead to the thought that he easily suffered the death of his mother, then when it is time to sound the alarm. When a child breaks down in crying, they understand and feel sorry for him, but often the child becomes very quiet, obedient, and they like to explain this behavior by the fact that now there is no one to spoil him and he began to behave normally. In fact, the child has a scorched desert inside and with her mother died a large (responsible for the expression and understanding of emotions) part of his soul and now a person is needed who can replace the mother in the sphere of emotional peace and learning ability to handle them.

Children do not perceive the loss as adults do, so they can not speak their own words about their grief, but complain about boredom (the world without a mother is not interesting for them), withdraw into themselves, they prefer a society of agonizing kids, old people and animals. This choice is due to the fact that these living creatures can give tactile support, and at the same time will not be pulling, demanding activity or vitality. Observing a similar alienation in a child - help her survive the death of her mother, until he finally closes up or stops talking (in particularly crisis conditions).

Being in contact with a child who has suffered a loss, you will notice how the quiet stage of shock is replaced by the stage of anger aimed at the deceased mother for leaving one here, but there is no possibility to recognize such anger in childhood, and therefore she begins to pour unaddressed on all surrounding people, objects, weather, phenomena. But instead of anger, another reaction may appear - a feeling of guilt based on confidence, behave himself well (he came in time, helped more, brought mom tea, etc.), then mom would have been with him. Guilt in the death of a mother can occur often and at any age, but a child on this basis can believe in his uniquely great power, the consequences of which can vary from tragic cases and psychiatry to excessive pedantry, in fear of their wrongness, provoke the death of someone else.

As you can see, the feelings of the child in the process of living grief can be polar and ride at unpredictable intervals. Most of all, he needs an even supportive environment, a person capable of containing and explaining to the child himself what is happening to him now, and that this is normal and is accepted in any condition.

All questions of social order about the adoption or execution of guardianship should be resolved as soon as possible and without a change in the decision, since the adaptation of the child is delayed in the long suspension. The more different options change, the more internal resources will be spent on getting used to the new guardians and new homes and may not be left of mental and mental strength for the processing of grief.

When the situation is more or less stabilized, and the emotional numbness passes, try to encourage the child to talk about the mother, this is a difficult but necessary step. The child should share his vision of the situation, throw out feelings that are not accepted (resentment, anger), listen to other people. And if a child cries, no matter how much time has passed (age and gender are not important), let him cry. Keeping tears in oneself does not help, but for children it is also harmful, both physically and for the further formation of the psyche.

How to help the child survive the death of mom? On the background of returning to the usual activities, offer your child something new that will be able to partially fill his days (sections, hobbies, travels). And while the baby is undergoing its adaptation, grief lives, you will have a very valuable separate task - to preserve the memories of his mother. Collect photos and some things, write down stories, her favorite books, places, perfumes. Perhaps at some stages the child will help you with this, at some will try to destroy everything or be indifferent - keep collecting, you are doing it for his future. And when the heart of the child otbolit, and he asks to tell about the mother, you will be able to return him a maximum memory of her, transferring what belonged to her, telling about her funny features and desires, going to her favorite places.