Psychology and Psychiatry

How to learn to say no

How to learn to say no to people, after total domination of techniques designed to please others, become softer and more flexible, gains tremendous popularity. Refusing a request, be it the easiest or the most difficult and undesirable for many people, turns out to be impossible, and they agree. Often, such breaches of self-interest occur, justifying with warm feelings and expensive ties with someone who asks to perform a certain service, may be motivated by their own uncertainty or desire to earn goodness of a good person’s reputation or disposition. But to nothing but the loss of their own time and resources do not lead.

How to learn to say no and feel comfortable with it

To understand how to learn to say no, psychology proposes first to deal with the causes of the difficulties. Relying on the reasons expressed by many about the fear of offending or upsetting your neighbor, you can identify the most common reason - this is the fear of refusing people who belong to the family circle. Certain moral codes, education in the spirit of mutual assistance, as well as rather sharp (sometimes manipulative behavior of relatives) - these reasons may hinder your upholding of your own interests and space, so as not to seem rude, ungrateful, or to avoid ignoring and stopping communication with any of families. Common to these motivations is the fear of losing family ties (their presence or quality).

The next reason is the fear of losing existing or future opportunities. This is most vividly illustrated in working moments when a person is ready to fulfill requests not according to his official duties, so as not to lose his place, he runs around on the personal errands of the chief in the hope of being promoted. How many have happened that the requests of those in whose hands is our bonus or the possibility of vacation, we fulfill, even if it is difficult and inconvenient for us. But there are genuinely good people, eager to help everyone met on the way. Those who are able to appreciate this feature very little, but catching the reliability and discarding their problems enough. Usually, the lives of good people are full of analysis of other people's problems, there is a lot of work, there is little free time, and they all seem so wonderful for others, but their own life suffers.

Fear of destroying relationships and fear of loneliness make it deceptive to believe that constant agreement with others will force them to be on our side, that concessions will help to keep a partner. In relationships, it is always important to focus on your own feelings and what you are willing to sacrifice. There are people with whom an equivalent dialogue is possible and they will calmly accept your refusal, remaining in a warm interaction, and there are those who are not capable of even a single refusal dictating their rules of life. How sincere these relationships are and how much they are needed requires an individual analysis and reflection on why you are so afraid to express your own opinion and constantly move the boundaries of your personality in this relationship.

But besides the factors that have a clear attachment to a particular situation, there is also a general trend of modern society. The level of stress increases excessively every day, and each involuntarily is a chronic carrier of at least a minimum level of nervous tension. In such conditions, a person can evaluate his negative response as the possibility of confrontation or conflict, which is highly undesirable and the subconscious itself chooses the least conflicting behavior strategies.

To understand how to learn to say no, people should understand why and when it is worth doing so that the acquired skill does not look confrontation with the whole world and is not used as a shifting of responsibility and actions to others. Your view of your own life will help assess your ability to refuse, and how much time and space in it remains for you, at what stage are your achievements and hobbies (if you stop sitting three times a week with your child’s friend, then there will be time for the gym, and if you don’t help a colleague with her own reports, you’ll see a promotion soon or you’ll spend this time on freelancing). Softness and reliability do not cause warm feelings and respect, on the contrary reinforce the impression of a person without a character, who does not represent anything. Over time, your help is no longer appreciated, and then they begin to demand fulfillment of whims, as duties - these are the peculiarities of the human psyche, when you yourself move your boundaries, it becomes interesting for others to see how they can be pushed further, and believe me, no one will stop thinking or having regretted After all, if he agrees, then it can, then it’s not difficult.

Changing to a different style of behavior will be problematic, you will have to abandon the usual actions on the thumb, and with each request to fully analyze a lot of factors, and not just the fact that this is a nice person.

How to learn to refuse and say no

In the space of the topic, how to learn to say no and not feel guilty, psychology suggests avoiding a direct approach, where you refuse people through force or fulfill a plan, for example, refuse three people in a day. Such tactics often break relationships with people and the human psyche, since the inability to refuse leads to the inability to feel their needs and replaces them with other people's actions (or similar confusion in their desires leads to reliability). Working on this problem, external behavior and pronouncing the word "no" is only the tip of the iceberg, and before that there will be a serious study of one's own boundaries and the ability to interact without offending the senses. The ability to correctly provide information is an essential element of your own comfort when you refuse, because there is a fear of causing anger or suffering afterwards with a sense of guilt, and it is for him that people find it easier to accept.

Initially, you should start to show your own disappointment, irritation, annoyance from an uncomfortable request. This is not a refusal, but a demonstration of your feelings, although in many cases only it can be enough for a person to cancel his request. If you are used to always be comfortable, smiling and courteous, then when asked to work overnight, you will smile and hesitate to tell you what is uncomfortable. The text may be correct, but seeing a smile and indecision on your face, will not take the discontent seriously. Frown eyebrows, raise your voice, sigh wearily, throw a pen on the table - all that will be organically for you to express feelings. A person reads non-verbal messages, and you do not accumulate irritation inside. Thus, by maintaining your own authenticity, you avoid psychosomatics and convey to the person your true attitude (otherwise you will be more and more given similar requests, for your own good).

Speak about your own feelings from your own person and in the same sentence voice the refusal ("I am not interested in going shopping with you, so I will not go," "I am a bit annoyed by your perseverance today, better another time"). Such statements are not criticism of your partner or of what you are addressed to, refusal is based solely on your emotions, which cannot be refuted, and is also a marker of a change in your relationship in the event that the partner continues to insist. So, if you are still being asked to be begged, then the transformation of your irritation into a rage is quite natural, just like a dream in the middle of a movie that you thought was boring.

The feeling of guilt after refusal arises from the feeling that you left a person in trouble or alone with his problem, so that, anticipating the development of such a state, take care of it. If you are asked to translate the text - give the translator's contacts, if you sit with the child - you can drop the link to the agency I’m nannies, if you are invited to visit the other end of the city, and you don’t want to go out - invite people to your place. Those who really needed help will be grateful to you for the proposed exits, and those who wanted to take advantage of your dependability will most likely arrange a scene or be offended. To believe in such manifestations is not worth it, this is the last reception of the manipulator to put pressure on you. Restrain yourself, and you will see how a person perfectly solves problems or finds an appropriate solution.

Do not forget to listen to the person, every time, after each of your refusal. There are especially persistent persons who, after uttering the refusal by you, explaining why and what you feel at the same time, begin to tell what they feel, how they need it and to convince you in every possible way. Repeat your position as many times as necessary, in approximately the same wording (with the amendment, of course, if the irritation has already turned into a rage). All people with different speeds perceive information, some may need to repeat ten repetitions in order to realize it - repeat without losing confidence in your voice, because a person will hear your consent immediately, just like shaky confidence.

Give yourself the right to different answers, many confuse the request and the person, but by refusing to act, you do not say goodbye to the person, just as if you agree, the person does not become obliged to shower privileges on you.

The ability to say "no" is one of the key moments of self-esteem and its activity manifestation, moreover, the trailer pulls the support of the principles of respectful interaction. A person who understands his wishes does not waste his time on inappropriate requests, but will respect other people's refusals and scope of interests. Weakness and fear, guided by reliability, are quite expensive - at first it seems that you save time and nerves, do not go into explaining why not, keep relationships, and then discover that you have spent much more time and resources on fulfilling the request, while the relationship is still cracking at the seams because of your repressed anger and the partner's consumer attitude.

How to learn to say no and still remain a good person? Give yourself time to think about the request, this will allow your refusal to sound convincing. It works like this: when you were taken by surprise, your subconscious thought all the necessary information and gave a negative answer, you will not have time to realize all the aspects, and accordingly there is uncertainty in the voice and the partner’s question about the motivation for refusal will plunge into a stupor. Realizing, you can clearly and clearly answer, and the refusal will sound with the same convincing intonation with which a man would answer the question "are you a woman?".

Learn to give thoughtful answers regarding both consent and refusal, since any autopilot answer does not give you personal practice in making decisions that are useful to your personality and assessing the situation regarding your current needs. When the answer coincides with the inner reality, then you experience joy, relief, enthusiasm - this is the state of the main marker of what you need to respond and how to feel. Adhere to truthfulness - this concerns lying to yourself that it’s not so difficult for you to fulfill a request when you simply don’t want to do it, as well as lying to others, providing more meaningful reasons for refusal (not wanting to go to the party to cover up the disease). Such decoration mechanisms do not change anything inside the situation, there is tension and the forces spent not going there - deceiving yourself, you act against your soul, and deceiving others, you are forced to act within the framework of maintaining the legend, again limiting yourself.

Refusing, do not invent long explanations, usually a short informative phrase is quite enough, and the effect is much higher ("I will not go, because you are not sympathetic to me" will immediately put everything in its place, and an hour-long discussion on the qualities of a partner and the possibility of consent will prolong the torment for several months ). Observing correctness and tact in case of refusal is an indisputable requirement, as with other communication. But when dealing with people of low education, those who are used to show strength and despotism, when trying to force you, demanding additional explanations, considering yours ridiculous or stupid, you can safely forget about the limits of decency. Most likely, polite communication will not help and a person will have a destructive effect on your nervous system until you stop communicating. A short “no” is quite enough, and an explanation “because I don’t want”, you shouldn’t enter into further interaction, and you can give other reasons as well. not understandable. In this embodiment, it is impossible to avoid the partner's malice, but to maintain such a relationship, where there is no respect, it hardly makes sense.