Psychology and Psychiatry

Husband selfish

An egoist husband is a predetermined model of family relationships, and a woman can learn about a similar state of affairs both in advance (then the continuation of uncomfortable relationships is her conscious choice dictated by the fear of loneliness or hope for re-education) and face selfish manifestations after the wedding (the importance of partner, the conqueror's instinct is satisfied and there is no longer any need to pretend to be kind and generous).

The secret which has been torn off or not paid attention to the first bells of egoism in the behavior of the partner leads the woman to the question what to do if the husband is egoist. There are plenty of options and the first to break the head of every kind of relationship that, in fact, will relieve this particular egoist, but the problem of choosing such a partner and the tendencies to build unequal interactions can be much deeper and not solved by divorce. In fact, not only the husband is a lazy and egoist, but all men tend to show these traits and break off relations with one, you can get the same scenario with another partner.

Before making such a drastic decisive step, it is worth assessing the degree of criticality, reviewing your own requirements and expectations (if they are too high, and you are used to being worn with you like an ancient Chinese vase, then a relationship with a mature person can really show selfishness on his part, although more actual your own selfishness). Pay attention to the differences in gender psychology and the distinctive features of perception, and the fact that the function of telepathy has not yet been built in for any of the representatives. Therefore, the option of establishing contact and trying to talk about your own desires and expectations may work, turning the egoist and the most caring spouse.

How to live with your husband selfish

Someone changes their own behavior and attitudes, someone learns to live and adapt to the kind of life that is, and someone is looking for options on how to rehabilitate the husband of an egoist. The latter case is the most energy-consuming and most difficult to implement, because the main causes of egoism are laid in childhood and due to upbringing, it is unrealistic to rehabilitate an adult formed man, you can only rely on a slight leveling of qualities and their manifestations. But, despite the notorious failure of the event, many women choose exactly the re-education of the partner, being confident of their omnipotence or denying the problems on their own, although the second place among the reasons for selfish behavior is how the other person allows to treat themselves. Those. when, from the first minutes of dating, a woman constantly moves her own boundaries, tries to be comfortable, refuses to help, is silent about troubles, but at the same time worn around with a fan, a natural reaction will perceive such behavior as normal (from this particular woman, with others, not allowing to throw the legs around your neck, selfish manifestations will not be).

Many women note not indiscriminate indifference, but they are interested in what to do if the husband is an egoist in an intimate sense, in shopping, in leisure, or in some other chosen topic. A person cannot be insensitive or indifferent selectively, and the lack of attention at a certain moment speaks more about lack of awareness in a situation than on selfishness (it is easier to depict attention in a chosen area than in most). Try to talk openly, tell your claims, find out the reasons for this behavior. Shame here is inappropriate, because otherwise you continue to endure, and the spouse will think that everything is fine. Having spent a lot of time in such a state, you risk falling for the scandal instead of an adult conversation, and the closest person will be perplexed, since all this time he considered everything that was happening to be the norm and was sure that you were satisfied.

If the husband is a lazy and egoist, but still loved and divorce you decide not to consider as a solution to the problem, then you will have to reconsider the attitude towards life, yourself and the requirements in the relationship. If we proceed from the concept that people with a set of certain qualities (including flaws) meet on the way of life to get a lesson and gain experience, then you can arrange your own spiritual practice and self-improvement from selfish spouse's behavior instead of constant complaints to your friends and bitter self-pity .

The first thing that a close neighborhood with an egoist can teach is the love of self, instead of demanding it from those around you. After all, when you complain about his egoism, you want more help and participation, care and rest, so arrange them yourself, instead of burdening yourself with problems. Take care of your body and go for a massage, instead of single-handedly otdirovat apartment, buy a laptop from the family budget, in order not to adapt to the schedule for his release, buy yourself vouchers to the places where you wanted to go. When people see how others value and indulge themselves, they want to do such things for a person, and when they see how they constantly complain and always in deeds and fatigue, they just want to move away to a safe distance.

When a husband does not do anything around the house and it makes you angry, then this is a reason for thinking about his own desires and prohibitions. Most of all in others, we are annoyed by the fulfillment of our own suppressed desires, so why not let them come true? No one has ever died from the mess, and if such a state lasts for several weeks. Maybe. Your spouse will take over the cleaning. The division of domestic responsibilities, by the way, also helps to normalize relations very much - you unload yourself by performing only your own part, and do not touch it. Such a treatment of the limits of personality and responsibility, the main task in which will not force others to fulfill its part of the contract, but simply silently be responsible for the execution of those things that were yours. If it does not work silently, and lying and enjoying doing nothing together is problematic, when the soul wants to tell an adult man what to do and demand exact observance of what was said, then the problem lies not in his selfishness, but in your quest for control and dictatorship.

Attempts to change a person do not lead to invented results and those goals that were set - with strong pressure and aggressive training you will spoil the relationship, in other cases, achievements will be far from the intended plan. Your task is to learn how to live together, try to accept its features, and if this is not possible, then divorce. Learning to live together does not mean adjusting to the eternal desires of the faithful and playing the role of a goldfish, on the contrary, you need to firmly hold your own boundaries, learn not to indulge his capricious behavior and defend your own free time, desires and needs.

This kind of work requires a lot of mental expense, because you need not to make trouble and pour tons of dissatisfaction along with insults on your husband, while maintaining calm and impartiality. In addition to the constant control of your own positions (accustomed only to the fulfillment of your desires will constantly check you for compliance), you will have to face your own personal maturity.

Husband is selfish, how to deal with it - advice from a psychologist

Often, psychological breakdown during life with an egoist happens in psychologically un mature women who are waiting for a man to solve all her problems and perform some kind of paternal function. In this variant, marriage reflects not a desire to be with a loved one, but a desire to avoid life difficulties. Look at your own life and learn to survive on your own, even if there is a big and strong man sitting next to you on the couch, the more you can do it yourself, the less requirements there will be for a partner. This does not mean that as soon as you learn how to fully provide for yourself, then you will have to do this and the provision of the sweet will fall on your shoulders; here we are talking about self-reliance, which gives a greater sense of relaxation in relationships, and therefore reduces the number of demands and claims to partner.

Take care of your own development and the area where you can receive praise and achieve various achievements, solely in order to live morally easier, because primacy in family stories will have to give in and you need to accept it. The egoists greatly value themselves and their work, so the husband will show off to his mutual friends and downplay your merits. To prevent a critical decline in self-esteem, secure places and people where you can get an objective assessment of your talents. And remember your own life and your own pleasure - learn from your spouse, even if at first it will be given through force.

The problem of how to rehabilitate the husband of an egoist is usually characteristic of women who have been married for a long time and choose the path to preserve the family. Usually, when the first decision to suffer and try to get used does not work, then after years of such a relationship a woman becomes absolutely unhappy. Being in a relationship with an egoist, self-esteem falls, the previously bright and confident lady turns into a slaughtered gray mouse, happiness disappears from her eyes, and her desires become so suppressed to please others, that the woman is completely lost in her own needs and feelings.

The problem is that having lived in such a mode for a long time, it is rather difficult to change the established pattern and this does not happen at one moment. Women who expect an immediate change after the first conversation or scandal with her husband find themselves in an absolutely unchanged situation the next day, because it is necessary to act not strong, but with time and a careful shift of emphasis. Egoists hate scandals and other people's demands; therefore, such a strategy will only strengthen his resistance, which is typical of an adult person who has lived his whole life in the usual way.

In order to move this "dead weight" will need patience and perseverance. It is better to start with small and one manifestation that you don’t like (if it interrupts you, then speak and focus on interruptions, while not allowing it to carry out the usual scenario). You will have to repeat it many times and you will have to hear the devaluation of your position many times, but you shouldn’t put up with scandals, continue to confidently demand attention to the designated moment, and if the husband demands explanations, you can safely tell about your own feelings when he does so. It is important not to criticize him and not to tell him what to do, but to talk only about his feelings at this moment.

Try to ask him sometimes about doing things useful for both of you or just for you - you shouldn’t start doing it every day, it will be enough every couple of weeks, and then you can increase it. Ensure that the request was not in the form of an order, and talked about your pleasure in the case of performance, while not obliging to execution. Perhaps the first few requests will not change anything - no need to make a quarrel out of this and remind you of an unfulfilled request, keep silent, but ask about something else. It is also difficult for an egoist to adapt to the fulfillment of other people's desires, and not just his own, help him with this clear wording. If you ask a man about pleasant things, then very few people will understand what you are talking about, ask for dinner or tea, a trip or pick you up from work - he must understand what you are waiting for.

While you are slowly changing the model of interaction with your own husband, take care of yourself, restore strength and level of happiness, raise your self-esteem and restore the ability to feel your desires. To do this, you can start meeting with friends and arrange yourself a rest, if you feel that it is not good at all, then sign up for a psychotherapist, and any work with the body (yoga, massage, swimming) also helps to restore sensitivity to your needs. improve sensitivity and spiritual aspirations.

The habit of solving all problems on your own will have to be eradicated from yourself, replacing them from personal to general, that is, when the solution of the issue directly affects the comfort of her husband. At first it will take a lot of time, and the desire to stop and quickly do everything will start to appear more and more often, but once you have slack, you risk so and continue to solve everything alone. The egoist needs to demonstrate why his participation is needed and why it is not only your problem, and doing it every time, but noting that you cope without him, he will no longer participate in it and will go to please himself.

It is imperative to praise the egoist - this is the energy engine on which they are able to move mountains, you just need to choose the channel. When he first helped you or fulfilled a request, then do not skimp on the pleasant words, you can even bend, and the next time he will try again. Their love of praises is as strong as the hatred of scandals and criticism, only the first brings you closer to the desired type of relationship, and the second infinitely alienates you. If the praises do not help, and you are constantly under his pressure and manipulating unpleasant feelings, get yourself a piece of the schedule when you are separate - you can walk for three hours alone in the park or leave for a weekend with a friend, the main thing is that you have a place to recover spiritual strength, which crippled spouse. Over time, he will follow the dependence of your withdrawals, and since the egoists always need spectators, praises and performers of their desires, then either he will review his behavior or jerk you back (flowers, sweets).

Especially cunning women manage to pass on their own desires for the desires of their husbands, but this is more about the ability to adapt, because the change in relation to the man still does not happen - he does it for himself. Although if you are fundamentally doing something, and not how it is served under the sauce, the trick is quite suitable. And take care of your own nerves and state of mind, sometimes it is useless to fight, it's easier to leave a person with his world and go to where you will be appreciated.