Touchiness is the quality of a person, which determines the tendency to notice hurtful tendencies in everything, to experience the feeling of insult that has arisen very strongly and even to unwind it to inappropriately large sizes. Characterized by increased sensitivity to those who tend not to forgive, but rather suffer from experiences associated most often with unwarranted own expectations or ideas addressed to a meaningful object (sensitivity as offense does not apply to those people who are indifferent).
Causes of touchiness
Sensitivity arises, as a property of the person initially from the arisen feeling of resentment, which is quite normal for most people to experience, but only for some it acquires pathological forms, stretched in time and exaggerated in importance. So at the moment the discrepancy between the significant person’s behavior and our ideas or expectations, the destruction of hopes leads to resentment. This feeling is born from the need to control both the surrounding reality and close people, which theoretically gives a sense of calm and certainty, removes unnecessary anxiety, but is impossible in its implementation all the time. Similar consideration of another person deprives him of an independent separate existence in the perception of the offended, instead, the person is perceived as part of himself, obliged to correspond to his own ideas.
Touchiness is in psychology a distortion in the perception of the external world, a set of misconceptions about other people, leading to a violation of qualitative interaction and understanding. Situationally resentment is a reaction to inconsistency, but psychology’s sensitivity is not a one-time episode, but a behavior strategy and manipulative communication technique that allows one to receive attention, achieve one’s own goals and achieve the emotional warmth of another when other ways are not available to man.
Increased sensitivity is reminiscent of a chronic negative state, but at the same time the carrier of this quality does not seek to get rid of it, since there are many secondary benefits derived from such manipulative behavior. This behavior is represented by infantile interaction with the world and is typical for children or immature personalities seeking to put pressure on the opponent's guilt (without a repetitive feeling of guilt, resentment remains meaningless and can unwind up to a state of revenge, because it carries an aggressive radical). Willingness to take offense almost constantly, with and without a reason, distinguishes sensitivity from offense, which is situational and is designed to regulate human relations by demonstrating one’s own dissatisfaction with the actions of the other (in a specific situation in order to avoid their repetition, rather than receiving emotional strokes).
Such qualities as touchiness, tearfulness, sensitivity appear in childhood, especially in those children whose nervous system is of the unstable type or those who are often offended. For children, resentment is normal, because a person is not strong enough and independent to engage in open confrontation with the adult world, and accordingly there are other ways of expressing dissatisfaction. This is a kind of psychological defense against unacceptable conditions, while preserving security, since it excludes retaliatory aggression (the answer to an insult is always a feeling of guilt). Indulgence of such behavior on the part of parents leads to the development of a selfish personality, becoming an emotional manipulator who remembers that in order to achieve any whims you need to pout and go into a dull defense, demonstrating to others how heartless they are in their actions. Pledged characteristics can be stopped, and can be developed in adulthood, fueled by low self-esteem, uncertainty. Such states kill in a person the desire to fight and develop the perception of oneself as miserable and unworthy, help to always choose the easiest ways, and usually it is self-pity and blaming others, instead of asking for help or trying to change the situation. Infantile personalities who have retained a childish way of interacting with the world, seeking to evade responsibility (even for their mood) can develop, they cannot take a clear position and defend their opinion, but successfully use the help of others trying to avoid the feelings of guilt hanged by the offended.
It happens that a person who does not manifest himself as touchy becomes at certain times. Such temporary conditions can be associated with objective reasons - when too many difficulties have come over at one moment, and no one can help, or when a serious health condition affects the emotional background. But those who did not have the prerequisites for the development of this quality were unlikely to become touchy, even under a drip, at least on the deadline. But, despite all situations, there are moments that are impossible or unwilling to forgive, at such moments a person is driven by revenge, a thirst for justice and touchiness swells before our eyes. The longer this state is, the harder it is to get out of it: if on the first day there were enough regrets, then on the second day repentance on their knees may not feed the wounded soul, eager for revenge.
Sensitivity, as a constant trait, is usually a familiar and convenient way of calling others' attention, while not directly or voicing your true need for participation — such behavior is manipulative, although in many sources such advice is found to attract the attention of a guy. The danger of such methods lies in the fact that they only work a few times, and then the man gets bored with being provoked, while the touchy way of interaction has already become a habit for the girl.
The main mechanism that unites all particular cases of occurrence of sensitivity is uncontrollable states of resentment that occur frequently or for a long time (this happens due to circumstances or a person artificially inflates the problem - is not essential for the rooting of the quality of character).
Conscious resentment, when a person deliberately demonstrates all the signs of resentment, also eventually leads to the true development of this quality. Our brain is designed in such a way that it adapts to the external signals that we send to reality, and if you force yourself to smile, the mood will improve, and if you depict the offense, the person to whom it is addressed will be perceived negatively.
It is believed that touchiness, tearfulness - feminine qualities, and in such situations aggressive and angry reactions occur in men, but recent studies have shown that the development of this quality is not tied to sex, but depends on the person's emotionality. Those. In general, the theory remains true, because women are more emotional, but if a particular woman has a more developed logical hemisphere, and a particular man has an emotional one, then among them the man will be more touchy. Also, the formation of resentment is due to examples in the parental family or significant adults, when the child adopts stereotypical behavior, subconsciously marking this model as natural or consciously choosing a similar interaction path, seeing the success of its application (for example, when a mother could achieve fulfillment of her desires, showing offense ).
Touchiness of women
Speaking about touchiness and giving examples, most often the woman is the main one who is being offended. And indeed, because of its emotionality, the female psyche is able to experience more emotions and their richness than the male. For women, there is no secondary thing; everything that matters for them is their life or imagination, their fantasies or expectations. Women often give their offense to their husbands, then to children, and further down by the degree of closeness. Those. the more important you are in her life, the more touchiness will be shown in your direction. It would seem that the opposite is necessary - to take care of loved ones, and to give a dissatisfied mood to passers-by, but this is not about mood, but about importance and unjustified hopes. If passers-by does not help her with heavy bags, then the woman is unlikely to notice at all, but if her husband does not respond to this, then resentment is inevitable. This is because they do not expect anything from a passerby, and their own is perceived as someone who will take care of and protect, and in these heavy bags the image of the caretaker is falling apart.
Girls love to dream and plan, present both event-based options and other people's reactions, and very much get used to such fantasies, experiencing true experiences, so a failed trip to Asia can cause offense not because of mercantilism, but because it has already arrived there. and returning back is like the destruction of happiness. Naturally, in addition to similar, self-arising conditions, there is also an adjustable part of the offense when a woman deliberately demonstrates her displeasure (be it emotional coldness, silence or a gloomy expression of the face). Such situations are used to adjust relationships, to make it clear to others that what is happening is unacceptable and repetition is undesirable. Many play into such a game, seeing what excellent results it brings: men who do not tolerate the emotional pressure and tension created by resentment are ready for any exploits, they give presents, the first ones go to put up when they are right and they do a lot more. But the program fails, as well as being specifically offended in order to gain benefits, a woman creates psychological conditions for a man that are incompatible with the healthy survival of the psyche and he does everything not out of love, but in order to stop mental violence and get rid of tyranny in relationships.
Showing offense, where your boundaries are and how not to deal with you - you build and regulate relations in the direction of comfort and near ones. By manipulating resentment and getting, thus, to yourself praise and gifts, sharing it with a constant companion - you destroy relationships and the psyche of not only the other, but also your own.
Certainly, women are more subject to emotions, but this does not turn off the mechanisms of self-regulation, and it’s not necessary to put responsibility for one’s condition on others — this is a childish infantile position. Adult behavior will be voicing their feelings and complaints, with the development of a further new way of interaction.
But it is worth noting that the choice of touchiness by a woman is determined by nature, since a cleaner reaction would be anger and aggression. Which a woman could not afford because of physical weakness. It is an insult that minimizes confrontation, but at the same time denotes discontent, helps to get away from open conflict, which helps to preserve relationships and life. In the male version, an insult looks like anger, and this is logical, because if something happens that does not suit a man, then it concerns an external threat and then it is necessary to act, and from a position of strength, besides, the man can afford it. The women's territory inside, where the family, where there is no place for the manifestation of force, but the need for adjustment remains, thus, it turns out that the insult is aggression, but stopped and transformed by love.
How to get rid of touchiness
Touchiness does not add joy not to the offending person, nor to people around, it contributes to the destruction of relationships and a person’s personality, therefore, the urgency of getting rid of this trait comes first to normalize contact with the world and build relationships with society. The most effective and fastest way to deal with what is happening - psychotherapy, but there are moments that will help yourself to overcome the habit of being offended.
Initially, it is worth learning how to manage attention shifting in moments of criticism or offensive remarks towards you: instead of relying on negative feelings of resentment, try to put feelings aside and listen to the words of your opponent, perhaps he will be right and you are guilty. In such cases, you can not even fall into half of the states of the offending person, but begin to solve problems or correct your shortcomings, moreover thanks to the person who indicated them. In the process of communication, you are responsible for offending you or not, so hearing the offensive text, openly ask the person to express himself differently, explaining that such statements offend you. Usually, tactics change, people correct the wording and articulate that they did not want to offend you. It is better to understand right at the moment the feeling arises, then you will not save it, besides you can make sure that the understanding of what is happening by you and your interlocutor is consistent.
In the long-term interaction, focus in your perception on feelings, and not on emotions (for example, if you are very hooked on the behavior of loved ones, then before you react, it would be good to remember that you are offended only now, but love this person always). Raising one's own cultural and spiritual level gives an understanding of the difference in people's perceptions and the ability not to devalue anyone's opinion, despite the difference, including one’s own - so different points of view become only positions, and not a conclusion that you are not important.
Resentment is always about unjustified expectations and hopes, so try to keep your fantasies in line and reduce the level of expectations from people around you. You may want attention and warmth from them, but they are not obliged to provide this to you, you can expect help from them, but they are not obliged to provide it. Give up the idea that people perceive the world in a similar way to you, and if something is necessary, then ask, without expecting that the telepathic link will work, and be prepared to accept consent and refusal equally equally. People, even close and dear ones, are not your property and are not subject to control, so it’s endless and depressing to be upset and offended that they show themselves as they like.
It is worth remembering that there are pathological forms of sensitivity that transform into manic states, accompanied by a thirst for revenge and rage, such situations can go as far as killing the offender. Such critical states are a pathological state of the psyche, are treated permanently in a psychoneurological clinic and belong to the psychotic spectrum. It is impossible to stop a maniacal offense on your own or even with the help of a psychotherapist; a course of sedative, antipsychotic drugs and complex therapy is needed here.