Modesty is the quality of personality acquired as a result of the internalization of behavioral patterns and the values of others. It is reflected in the ability to keep one's own emotional and behavioral manifestations within certain limits, to keep calm, moderation and restraint, to impose minimum demands on other people and on their material and domestic structure. Modesty changes a person’s life style, providing for decency in communication, respect for decencies, and life without luxury.
It is believed that modesty decorates a person, presenting him without too much boasting, when the dignity of a person shows up in actions, and the rewards come without asking for and demanding. Manifestations are possible in behavior through obedience to elders and humility in front of experienced ones, in clothes of inexpensive brands, reserved colors and models. Often modesty is used synonymously for shyness and timidity, but this is erroneous, even with similar manifestations, since modesty is a conscious act, choice, and the remaining manifestations are unconscious and driven by subconscious motives or injuries.
What is modesty
The value of modesty is diverse and depending on the scope of the discussion, it will have its own corrections, of the common ones it will remain undemanding and lack of desire to put itself in the first place. In terms of arranging their lives, they are characterized by a lack of desire for luxury and an understanding that for comfortable self-perception, little resources are needed. In terms of interpersonal interaction, modesty is characterized by a sincere interest in others, and more than to himself, such a person asks and listens more than he tells and boasts. In addition, when communicating, the dignity of all people is recognized, tolerance is manifested, and the rules adopted in society are observed.
Modesty is considered a character trait that allows a person to conform to the environment without attracting undue attention, in principle, considering drawing attention to one’s own person (action or word, clothing or purchase) as unworthy behavior.
In many sets of rules (etiquette, decent social behavior, ecclesiastical approved) states that modesty adorns the person and is the most valuable feature that gives opportunities for self-improvement and the vision of others to learn from them, promotes the development of kindness and as a result establishing good relationships . But modesty may not always have a positive impact in a society where some people live according to different laws, self-interest and cunning, enjoying the modesty of others for their own benefit.
Modesty is not a trait of character or temperament, it manifests itself in behavior and reflects its specific line, and the motives for such behavior may also be different. A modest person may be from nobility or from the fact that he does not sincerely consider his merits outstanding, but he may, from fear or inability to present himself, hide behind a mask of modesty, waiting for others to present him. Many, knowing how much others appreciate the modest manifestations, can depict the necessary behavior only partially in the presence of the necessary person, who needs to make the appropriate impression, while leading the rest of the time arrogantly and loosely. This is not true modesty, just as kindness pursuing its selfish ends is not true kindness.
Modesty and shyness, what is the difference
Modesty and shyness are often confused, and some consider these concepts to be synonymous, and they are deeply mistaken. Modesty is responsible for the conscious line of conduct, and shyness refers to emotional experiences that are not subject to the control of consciousness. A person may be shy and not be constrained, as well as being shy, but not shy - these two things do not go together and are not interchangeable concepts. If while conducting a modest lifestyle, a person does not show his goodness and achievements from unwillingness, including the conscious sphere, then in case of constraint this will be caused by fear (to attract attention, not to withstand criticism or envy, etc.).
Shyness arises from uncertainty and such a person would rather keep silent and listen carefully to the interlocutor in order to correct his statements in accordance with another's point of view.
Modesty is always confident and listens to a modest person of another from sincere interest, and changes his opinion only after the facts, and not from the desire to like. A modest person in the interaction remains open, although putting his personality is not a priority, shyness can also force a person to avoid social contacts and new experiences. The first is about development and constant learning from the outside world, the second is about the fear of new and closed doors of opportunity.
You can learn or unlearn modesty, you can control its level and scope of manifestation, whereas shyness is a character trait and such changes will require much deeper inner work than adjusting the line of conduct. In order for a person to start feeling shy or to stop, a number of corrective events are necessary, either frustrating and traumatic, forcing to hide, or corrective and stabilizing, helping to begin to actively manifest themselves in the external environment.
Lack of modesty
Many where modesty is presented in a favorable light and as one of the most desirable qualities, but, as in any concept, there are shortcomings and difficulties that sometimes interfere with a person.
Consider who praises modesty as a positive trait — usually people who benefit from your obedience (parents, teachers, church), those who do not perceive well the differences of others and strive to create a gray non-distinguished society. Once such a strategy of behavior helped to survive, because even during the times of socialist power (and this generation of our grandmothers) it was dangerous to stand out, and all the benefits and skills were hidden, because they could lead to punishment incompatible with life.
But modesty does not contribute to the promotion and realization of talents - look at all famous personalities, read their biographies - they all loudly declared themselves and their skills, at every corner, until finally they were heard, and when they became noticeable, they seized chance, but modestly refused. Excessive modesty ruins a career, while such a person helps others, is silent about their successes, a less effective and less modest employee receives another increase and increase in salary. Their projects are recognized as the best simply on the grounds that often no one knows about the ideas of modest people or learns from immodest friends screaming about the presence of a brilliant idea from their acquaintance.
Not only in self-realization modesty does a disservice, it also interferes with the construction of personal life. As for the popular opinion that modest girls are attracted to men for serious relationships, this is only partial truth, because modesty attracts in the early stages, it is often confused with mystery and inaccessibility, and everyone wants to unravel and win. But when a man sees over time that nothing changes, that the girl remains within the bounds of decency, she begins to treat her as a relative with all obeisances, and herself at that time is looking for another one, which after conquest will become his passionate lover, without modesty, shame and external rules. With regard to the manifestation of excessive modesty in male behavior, the relationship will not start, because the activity and attention is expected from the man.
Modesty does not improve the quality of life, and when it manifests itself in small demands and the ability to enjoy existing, it has a positive effect, but when a person deprives himself of something of quality (he continues to sleep on a failed forty-year-old bed, ruining his spine or giving up a more powerful computer for optimization of its activities) then it undermines its health and leads to personal degradation.
How to get rid of modesty
After analyzing your own life, you can find that it is the negative aspects of modesty that the majority then becomes relevant as to how to get rid of it, but it’s more natural not to eradicate, but to reduce the number of manifestations or identify the most affected areas and work with them. The influence reduction approach is less traumatic for the psyche, since with a complete and sharp restructuring there is a great chance of a quick return to the former state. It is best to initially get to the bottom of the causes of excessive modesty, to understand whose words have sunk into the soul from early childhood and to correlate these behavioral requirements with the actual situation in life. If your grandmother spoke of modesty, as the best feature of a girl to marry, and you developed her in communicating with men to such an extent that you became invisible or cold wall, then think about whether your grandmother had such a level and whether men now, as then.
Try to express yourself more often, express your opinion - let you be mistaken, everyone will disagree with you, you will have to defend your position for a long time, you still speak. You can try to talk with strangers, and if you know that you always give up the leading role in the conversation, then specifically start communication first. Fear of losing the location of people is easily leveled by your smile and a direct statement that you enjoy talking or it is interesting to hear a different opinion from you. Just as in communication, try to show your individuality - in clothes and choosing places, listening to music and emotional reactions. There is no crime in going out in a short skirt or a yellow scarf, laughing at an important meeting or rejoicing loudly in a quiet place - perhaps, by example, you liberate a few people nearby, and thanks to the manifestation of your individuality, they will pay attention to you. And what is important is that those who are interested in, such as you, who are real and not pretense, will turn their attention, which may open up new possibilities.
Develop self-confidence by small overcoming every day - you don’t need to immediately climb onto the stage and tell the multi-hundred room what a wonderful person you are, but first meet several people, tell at work that you have come up with a new project, tell your friends at a party kind of activity and about yourself, as an excellent professional - those things, the practice of which every day will help to overcome, as excessive modesty, and problems associated with your stealth.