Psychology and Psychiatry

How to forgive yourself

How to forgive yourself? In the huge subject of forgiveness, the most difficult is how to forgive ourselves, because for others it is easier for us to find excuses, we do not notice all the undercurrents and ulterior motives, we know everything about ourselves and therefore lose imagination in the search for excuses. In addition, for many, forgiveness in the context of their personality remains incomprehensible, it remains something related to interpersonal relations, and it applies to itself only in cases of very serious blunders that are associated with strong offenses in their emotional consequences. But we are not as fluffy as it seems, and we commit many unacceptable acts, and the moment of self-forgiveness is an integral part of life.

Lack of self-forgiveness can be hidden from the person himself, especially if it is inherent in deep childhood and has become a familiar system of behavior and self-attitude, where there is no self-acceptance and self-love. Such a person is characterized by the constant belittling of himself, the restriction of his abilities in the context of becoming happy, for which whole emotional and moral systems are built, provoking suffering. After hearing the condemnations and prohibitions from an early age, when critical thinking perceives the estimates of adults as dogma, growing up, such a person becomes such a destructive parent for himself and continues to punish, forbidding to manifest his true desires, adapting to the needs of others. The enclosed perception of oneself as wrong and unworthy does not allow one to accept one’s flaws and to consider them as unique characteristics of his unique personality.

A lot of energy is spent on such a living arrangement, which causes more and more resentment towards others, since they are constantly expected to be stroked and supported, which they do not receive (specifically from others, since they are the main indicator of acceptability). So in a person there is more and more dead, blocks, offenses, less and less lively circulation of energy and the ability to react adaptively to changing conditions. But the problem is not to become as comfortable as possible for the outside world, because it remains fundamentally impossible, but how to forgive yourself and accept with all the available features to let in the sense of life.

How to forgive yourself for the mistakes of the past and start life from scratch

The importance of self-forgiveness may seem overly bloated, but it has a direct bearing on a person’s self-perception, because it allows one to accept oneself as it is a natural option, but one’s vision of others.

Forgiveness of oneself allows one to clear the emotional sphere of negative experiences, at least in one’s own way, which for some is the dominant component of experiences that are toxic if there is discontent, aggression, resentment and other negative feelings. Old unforgiveness and non-acceptance of oneself leads to the development of psychosomatic disorders, destroys the system of social connections and the general structure of the personality.

Forgiving yourself, you let go of the past and open the door to new opportunities, so if you were waiting for a stable family life, and she collapsed in divorce a few years ago, then there are several ways - to scold yourself that you did not cope, look for unforeseen moments and stop your life, or recognize own mistakes. Forgive your weakness and start building new relationships or traveling the world, but getting rid of the heavy burden of collapsed hopes. By letting go of the past by forgiving yourself, you give the future a chance to realize faster. Suppose you do not become an astronaut, you can sit and drink this grief every evening, criticizing your lack of integrity and inappropriate physical data, but you can accept your shortcomings and become a coach for future space heroes. It may well be that what you can do, admitting your mistakes and accepting them, will be much more fun and more useful than self-deprecation about failure.

Having learned to forgive yourself, you can more easily tolerate your mistakes, quickly reorient yourself to correct them, and after this comes an understanding and accepting attitude towards others. Relationships get warmer when there are two imperfect, but alive and able to forgive people, than when perfectionists come into the fray, who do not forgive mistakes for themselves or others - only scorched earth remains after this, instead of feelings and human intercourse. The more claims and complaints to yourself, the more conflict situations and collisions you will find in your interpersonal contacts. Many, trying to improve relations, try to change their partner, but those who begin to treat themselves with more love, not trying to interfere in the life of another person, over time notice that the relationship itself has become better and more pleasant for both.

Self-forgiveness helps to relate differently to the failures that a priori will happen in life, because it is impossible to live perfectly, but now it will be possible to perceive it as a developmental lesson, and not as punishment and indicators of its unworthiness. A lighter attitude to negativity in one’s own person prevents the emergence of heavy emotional and physical blocks, and consequently reduces the risk of somatic diseases, and releases a lot of energy spent on restraint.

The past and its events influence the present, and the perception of this experience shapes the future. And if you treat the events of the past days how to smile or be proud, then everything is fine, but not all events are such, there are those that make you wake up in the middle of the night, lower self-esteem, form negative self-perception and do not allow to cross the line where new life.

How to forgive yourself for the past may become a question for one evening, if the situation is not very dramatic and you have someone to shed light on its dynamics, remove guilt feelings, and may become a topic of work for several months, requiring elevation of very old memory layers that affected on these events and sensations. Forgiveness is not a decision, or a second change in the situation, it is a process that is started by making a decision, requires a change in attitude, but still affects various areas of existence and takes time.

It is necessary to figure out how to forgive yourself and live on, and it is in this sequence, since the beginning of a new life is impossible with a load of misunderstood lessons behind you and without letting go of what has long since lost its relevance. The actions of the past, which are now diagnosed as erroneous, do not allow the conscience to sleep peacefully because those actions no longer correspond to the real picture, i.e. your moral and ethical values ​​have changed in such a way that past behavior or judgment has become unacceptable. It is this mechanism of personal development that gives rise to a feeling of guilt or shame for what we were before, because there is a reassessment of both the events and manifestations of our personality, and being in the process of such a transformation, you need to remember to focus not on punishing and blaming yourself. , but it is better to move the focus of attention to the changes that have occurred. To notice what has become of this with your personality, that you now consider what you have done wrong, to draw conclusions from this and apply them to your future life - the first step required to turn the page. Try to derive benefit from further inner unwillingness for further development, even if not direct, but useful in terms of experience, even if then your reputation and social connections have suffered, now you can understand the mechanisms of such actions. In addition, some past actions make shame not because our value system has undergone changes, but simply because they were ignorant, which, instead of blaming ourselves, should be viewed as experience and knowledge for the future.

In order to live a new life, the events of the past should be left where they happened, and not dragged into each new day with an attempt to correct, i.e. live otherwise you need to start right this second. The variant with another reanimation of relations with a person where he does not stand up and rude speaks of undigested incompatibility experience and the desire to still correct himself or his partner, to change the past from the present, but in reality it only stops development, turning life into a groundhog day.

If you are thinking about how to forgive yourself and live on, then start by drawing up a plan for a new life and the required changes. It is important to analyze the desired changes relative to the past; you mentally choose another job, another answer for the offender, another city, another road. Such a fantasy should be given special time and to give a feel for what is happening with each of your cells, imagining that the changes have occurred. For many, this is a discharge of accumulated tension and a stimulus to real change, when a clear awareness comes that they lived an artificial and not quite their own life. But it is not necessary to change in reality all the points you wrote, some of them can be left with invaluable experience and inner wisdom. It is hardly worth going to another country to otherwise answer a person a question a decade ago, although the importance of this question may force you to buy a plane ticket and drastically change your life - decide.

We'll have to work with the scrolling of negative situations in my head, since their constant presence only brings about an aggravation of the negative emotional state. Track what moments these memories arise and try to control them, not plunging into the guilt living as much as possible, and concentrating on logical analysis and making practical use of the experience, you can examine it from the side to determine the degree of horror. The more often you turn on the logical control over the thoughts that arise, the more benefit you will get, and when you could teach all that you could understand this episode, the subconscious will automatically stop showing the unsightly picture.

Be patient with this process and do not push yourself; your task is to give yourself love and understanding that for any changes time and pause, patience and possible returns to the previous level are necessary. Change the concept now and choose to praise yourself for your accomplishments, than to scold you for not being able to forgive yourself quickly, then the new life page will become closer.

Arrange a reboot for yourself in order to separate the new life period by external events - you can leave the usual city, change the situation, write to a new course or psychological group. You can change your social circle or just add new acquaintances and topics of interest, or you can change your appearance or refuse something harmful. All that will signal you about the onset of a new life has the right to exist, even though it is a new country, even a toothbrush.

How to forgive yourself for past mistakes and start respecting yourself

How to forgive yourself for the past, if the mistakes created there completely killed self-esteem, possibly destroyed important areas of life or personality - the question is extremely complex and is usually asked in a state of despair. Forgiveness does not promise the disappearance of any emotions on this issue or that you will be able to think only about this topic. Forgiveness is a multifaceted category, affecting various spheres of personality, its formation, complexes and injuries, so the process can be painful and lengthy, but definitely healing for the overall picture of human existence.

In the beginning, you will have to admit the fact of the event and correctly take exactly your share of responsibility, and not what others will try to add to you. In order to get rid of their own feelings of guilt. Try to decompose the situation as objectively as possible, without falling into the life of unbearable emotions, to see the causes, the dynamics of the course and options for possible completion. It will not help right now, but it will help to draw conclusions and not to repeat it in the future. A clear division of responsibility will help make emotions more manageable and they will have a vector. The blame for the interaction and situations where people are involved, can never fully lie on only one. In the case of achievement in the arguments of the idea of ​​their full responsibility for what is happening - or dig deeper features of your personality related to boundaries or go for a consultation with a therapist who will help to distinguish between spheres of influence.

Remember that in that situation of the past, you did the most correct thing, although from now it may seem like a mistake. You could leave with family and return to work, finding the order important, but in fact it turned out that nothing critical, but the offended spouse remembers it to this day. But, because at that moment you were guided by the desire not to lose a good position for the sake of the family. Or now you regret that you spent a lot of time on tolerance of rudeness and rudeness from someone you know, hoping that they will change, wasting your nerves, but in that situation you did not yet know that it was useless. Many mistakes we regret from the heights of knowledge acquired over time. And at that time it was the right decision with the knowledge and experience that was available. Now, thanks to these mistakes, more experience will appear and this will not happen, but children do not scold themselves for not knowing the multiplication table.

Highlight the positive aspects of the situation - usually they lie deep and time is needed to realize them. The loss of self-esteem and the inability to continue to live with a load of guilt from their own actions is a serious personal crisis that changes the worldview, facilitates the restructuring of value and semantic spheres. Perhaps such an event helped you to see the true path that corresponds to your understanding and turn to it through the living pain. Be careful, perhaps the feeling of guilt is false, and dictated by previous behavioral stereotypes. This happens if values ​​change over time, but the person is not aware of this (it may be inconvenient to refuse to meet friends, choosing a job, or not helping colleagues, choosing to spend this time with the family). All that is required here is an awareness of one’s internal needs and the regulation of life in accordance with them, rather than keeping the unnecessary course chosen decades ago.

Admitting your own mistakes does not make you a bad person, it’s common to make mistakes, and actions can be negative, but not a person. It is easier to forgive yourself when there is communication with people, where you can draw on someone else's experience of mistakes and forgiveness, see that not everyone is perfect. When it is impossible to accept yourself with love and forgiveness, you can begin with others, using the mirror image in the internal and external relationships. The more you can forgive others, understand their mistakes, the more gentleness will appear to you. Ask forgiveness from others, as simple and honest words as possible, do not need to invent long and clever speeches. In fact, most of the moments for which we reproach ourselves are connected with other people, and you can receive your own forgiveness by receiving forgiveness from another. If this person is not in the zone of your reach or alive, then you can ask for forgiveness in your mental messages or from his relatives as representatives of his will.

Respect for oneself comes after forgiveness, but in order to strengthen it one needs to work to gain experience, synchronize one's words and actions and prevent repetition. Respect is not compatible with a lie (oneself and others), therefore, having done both good and bad, it is necessary to find the strength and admit one's responsibility in this. Mistakes need to be corrected, and not reproach oneself in the evenings for them, and recognize the perfect benefits, and not hide in the closet. With this method of action and attitude, self-esteem increases and respect for other people appears.

How to forgive yourself and others

Moments of the ability to forgive oneself and forgive others are strongly interconnected, and in principle reflect the human ability to forgive, and its vector of direction is secondary. That is why it is possible to begin developing the ability to forgive from the edge from which you personally feel comfortable - from yourself or from others, and the rest will be pulled up automatically. Many believe that forgiveness is synonymous with a truce and for a very long time they are trying to achieve a similar state in situations that are not suitable for such. Forgiveness does not speak of a truce or of the disappearance of negative feelings; rather, it is about the ability to release and simplify the situation, to remove oneself from there emotionally. It would be foolish to start making friends with those who robbed your apartment, but to stop mentally returning to negative feelings and aspirations to restore justice is quite possible. Не стоит пытаться убрать негативные переживания по поводу изнасилования, но снизить их аффективное воздействие и сделать соответствующие выводы, без примеси эмоций можно, чтобы дальше изменить свою жизнь.

Признание любого человека уникальным и ценным в том соотношении позитивных и негативных качеств, которыми он обладает, является основой принятия, а соответственно и прощения. Any actions assessed as unfavorable can be such only from a person’s ignorance. So, constantly reminding myself that perhaps this act was the most optimal in that situation and with the level of awareness that was and was the most positive. This approach is equally useful in assessing oneself and others.

The ability to forgive is the ability to move on, through other people's own mistakes and betrayals.

You can work with the process of forgiveness, both yourself and others, quite successfully and quickly, using the help of experts from the gestalt approach and art-therapeutic techniques, stress relief on this occasion is helped by body-oriented therapy, you can choose the prayers and consultations of priests to your taste, approaches of various esoteric schools. In any concept, at least somehow touching the soul, there will be techniques of working with insults, since it is forgiveness that helps to remove the heaviest loads from the soul and move on. But not everyone chooses to use the help of a psychologist or a guru as an aid, and not everyone chooses to forgive. Being offended is beneficial because many people feel sorry for such a person, they help, he can claim the uniqueness of the sensitivity of his emotional sphere and other benefits, but with these secondary benefits lose energy.

The recognition of the presence of insult is the first stage in the release from it. The next moment will be awareness and release of all stopped feelings. Resentment is stopped by other feelings, usually of an aggressive nature, when we cannot openly manifest them because of the love of the offender or the fear of him. The stopped emotions of anger show where our borders were violated and they need to be realized: yell at the waste ground, beat the pillow, imagine together the stone of the one who offended you, and tell him everything without being embarrassed in expressions. Likewise, it works if you need to forgive yourself, only it is necessary to state the circumstances in such a way that they do not leave you other solutions. When the affective component is removed, a lot of energy is spent on restraint and now you can move on with it, i.e. look for valuable experience presented by this situation. You can be forgiven when an understanding comes for the sake of what this situation has happened and what it teaches, perhaps you will understand how to reorient your life.

Learn to ask for forgiveness in trifles (when you hit your elbow or drank someone's juice, when you were five minutes late and when you forgot to call back) - this gives you an understanding of your influence on the situation and at the same time trains the ability to admit mistakes. In addition, the one who knows how to ask for forgiveness and does this often and routinely, will definitely not fall into catatonia in case of more serious offenses and will appreciate such requests addressed to him.