Pity is a feeling directed at oneself, another person, a living being associated with negative experiences and discomfort. Unpleasant feelings indicate a discrepancy between reality and a person’s inner ideas, resistance to what is happening and a desire to correct. Such motives can be conscious or not, give in to control or grow into a desire to change the world according to their own parameters. Being a subjective feeling, pity is manifested not only in the objective moments of tragedy, but in the moments of disagreement of a person with what is happening (even if it harmoniously and completely suits others).
The object of pity is perceived as insufficient, unhappy, in a disastrous state caused by circumstances or other creatures. The feeling of pity can arise along with sympathy and then we can talk about empathy and the desire to improve the share of the pity, to forgive weaknesses. And it can occur together with a sense of superiority, then self-exalting behavioral responses that ego the ego arise. Besides the fact that this feeling is experienced directly to people or one’s own person, pity is possible about the loss of things, the former way of life, friendships and other things or categories that are important in a person’s life. The pity associated with a loss is close to sadness or arises simultaneously in it.
The opposite of pity is cruelty, when a person deprived of any feelings of empathy and understanding of the suffering of others can become ruthless in his demands, words, behavior. This is manifested by impatience, the lack of an internal opportunity to take the place of another person. In any case, no matter how manifest it is, and where pity is directed, it evokes a feeling of discomfort, since it indicates flaws and shortcomings, either of one’s own people or those around them.
What is pity
The concept of pity is a feeling that has both positive and negative characteristics. On the one hand, it is this feeling that makes a person humane, capable of compassion and empathy, on the other hand, with a rude and incorrect expression, pity humiliates a person, both regretted and regrettable. In the peculiarities of some cultures, the unacceptability of this manifestation has been noticed, considering pity as tantamount to weakness, of one who has succumbed to this feeling and disbelief in the one they regret. If you take a closer look, then pity humiliates a person when she disguises her gloating (sympathetic speeches are made to please the society, often in a hypertrophied form, in order to further emphasize the negative situation and enjoy it), this is usually an inactive air shake, there is no help. A sense of superiority over one who is in a less fortunate situation, some contempt over him can also take the form of pity, here the exaltation of one's own person and help, if it turns out, is only for the sake of developing one’s own image.
There are many examples of silent, demeaning pity: when an employee is pitying a fingal, but they do not report to the police when they treat a neighbor child, but do not react to cries when beaten by their parents, when they take responsibility from alcoholics, generously forgiving them drunk antics and stuff . Such manifestations are destructive for both participants of the situation: one has a stony soul, and the second one ceases to feel responsibility, feeling only his own worthlessness, and ceases even to strive to change the situation.
Creative pity is always supported by actions and concrete help: volunteering at an orphanage, and not empty discourses about the fate of poor children, sympathy and help for the patient should be expressed in caring for him or providing the necessary medicines, instead of heavy sighs by the bed. Even in the development of a child, pity is necessary, not only when he is shielded from the world, so that he does not get hurt, but when he is taught to interact, heal his flayed knees on his own and fight off the offenders.
Pity can appear in any sphere of human life, referring both to regrets about the past time, lost things, sadness of past memories and people who have passed away, and situations that occur right now when we are faced with life injustice in the form of disabled people, beggars, homeless people, people in the accident. People pity their parents, children, employees, and internet friends, but not everyone understands that, suffering from this feeling, they do not always benefit those who are supposedly sympathetic, besides, some are able to use these tendencies and put pressure on pity in order to realize own benefit.
It is conditionally possible to divide pity in its effect on the pernicious and constructive. Destructive pity is manifested in the deprivation of a person of duties and responsibility, his unbelief and pity killing in him the tendencies to development and change. Thus, pitying parents constantly monitor every step of the child, perform all the tasks and necessary work for him, and as a result, instead of effective assistance, cause irreparable harm to the whole personality development. Such actions lead to the formation of an inner perception of oneself as not able, unworthy, and one who fails himself, which subsequently paralyzes the will and ambitions of a person.
The feeling of pity in intimate relationships leads to the fact that a person develops his own shortcomings and the one who at first simply rude to you can already beat up to the resuscitation state. By giving out pity for alms, you may be faced with the fact that your money will be drunk, and the person will never again go looking for work. Such examples are not uncommon in life, and their mechanism is the same - when you do something for a person out of pity, his internal stimulus disappears to do something himself and he degrades, and also learns that he is not capable of anything.
Constructive, constructive pity can support a person, give him strength, calm him down, instill confidence, or at least provide a piece of safe and secure haven for a break. By helping unselfishly, without waiting for honors and praise, without striving to demonstrate one’s own strength against the background of a less fortunate person, you practice creative pity. In a parent-child relationship, this expression of sympathy for trouble and advice on how best to overcome what happened, in a partnership interaction, such pity can look like an open conversation about shortcomings and offering its help in eliminating causes. Even if you bought food and left a lonely pensioner at the door, there is more creative pity in this than in the rally on pension reform.
Pity is a very insidious and subtle feeling, which requires both careful diagnostics so as not to confuse it with its own projections, arrogance, rejection, and strict attitude, so that giving impulse instead of help does no harm. It is necessary to carefully consider each situation separately in order to understand whether your pity is appropriate or not, and if you see that the more you regret someone, the more infantile and inactive it becomes, it starts to whine and complain more, it means that you are going wrong track and pity is better to leave. This does not mean at all that it is necessary to become a callous cynic, because sometimes your understanding and kind word can quite strongly affect a person who is on the verge of despair.
Pity to others
Pity for other people is born from our perception of the situation and manifests itself in those moments when we need sympathy. If you are calm about pain and do not need pity when you slip on the wet floor, you will hardly regret the fallen person, even if your sympathy was very necessary for him.
Pity for others is not objective and to a greater extent represents our own world, rather than reflecting a really negative situation. Moreover, showing pity for another, we automatically feel sorry for ourselves. When self pity is banned, there is no strength to admit to a lack of something or a trauma, it finds expression in pity for others. So, a single woman will actively pity her friend who has lost her boyfriend, and a girl who considered herself unworthy of her father’s love will feel sorry for an employee who was reprimanded by the boss once again. The reality may be about the fact that the parting is glad to parting and in general was its initiator, and the one that is again deprived of the prize does not really work, but it may not matter when there is an inner need to regret it through the other.
In addition to projective experiences, pity can be a way to build relationships. When a person is in trouble, and you sympathize with him, he takes you closer, trusts you more, because you show concern and sympathy. Separation of pain, suffering, experiences automatically takes you to the section of caring people, in addition to this, you yourself become more loyal and closer to the one you regret. At such moments, pity is useful and appropriate, it often helps a person to overcome difficulties faster. People are constantly waiting for the manifestation of kindness, pity and forgiveness of their weakness, because in the world there are more demands and indifference. Giving a similar attitude, you establish stronger ties with a person, because it is more pleasant for everyone to be with someone who accepts his weaknesses, forgives weaknesses, understands pain and sympathizes with what happened. Someone appreciates such corners of the outlet, but many skillfully use someone else's pity and instead of establishing sincere close relationships, they begin to put pressure on pity to get your patronage or favor.
Knowing the possibility of manipulating the feeling of pity, many close and become rather cold and indifferent. Of course, such a life tactic will save you from manipulation, unjustified hopes and riding on your neck, but beyond that will worsen relations with others. Ruthless and cruel people repel, with those who are indifferent to the problems, do not want to share and joy.
Pity, effectively manifested to others, should not be associated with your personal gain and the expectation of success or thanks from the other. Rather, it is about your manifestation as a person, as a person who is able to perform actions, guided by his internal compass, and not near or far prospects. The manifestation of such kindness may never show you immediate results, and a person will not even thank, but after a while everything can return through others, and someone whom you regretted may remember your deed. Behavior adds a tacit opinion of others about you, which cannot be created artificially and therefore, showing pity, but with reason, and not under manipulation, you will notice that you will come to help or forgive misses, give a napkin and sympathize with a kind word in a difficult moment.
Learn to recognize when a person is in a difficult situation. And when I used to inflate my lips from childhood and get what I wanted. For many, this has become a convenient model of behavior, when playing on other people's feelings you can get what you want, and when the executor of desires exhales, then he will simply be replaced. If you feel pity, be strict first and foremost to yourself and try to look into the situation a little further than the present moment, then you will understand exactly how to show your feeling, and perhaps with good intentions it should be hidden. It is hardly worth running for another bottle for an alcoholic out of pity, but you can arrange a scandal for him, telling the whole truth and showing his true life, offering concrete help is possible, although it will not look like usual regrets, but it will be pity in action.
It is believed that love and pity are incompatible, because pitying, you let a person know that you consider him weak, then he begins to pity himself without your help, degrading and developing inferiority complexes more and more. This is a very likely course of events, if you regret destructive pity and do not look for a few weeks in advance. Helping to overcome this will help asking yourself the question "Is it really so bad for a person that he cannot cope without me?" and only in the case of a positive answer help.
Another psychological moment of the birth of pity is our own disagreement with the structure of the world. If we do not accept some kind of development, illness, level of income, then those whose fate is folded in this way will cause a feeling of pity, and here it is important to stop and analyze. Perhaps the one you consider to be a poor man deliberately distributed all his possessions and switched to downshifting in order to be happy in accordance with his ideas. Maybe you feel sorry for the guy walking on crutches, but he had been paralyzed for several years and is now incredibly happy. In general, the world is fair and harmonious, and each person gets the life that he does with his hands, so before you intervene, think that he is guiding your desire to level the lives of others under your vision of the beautiful and the right.
Self-pity is occasionally found in the life of everyone, but for some it takes on a stable form. For people of a certain type of warehouse (neurotic) and type of nervous system (increased excitability) self-pity occupies a rather important place and is able to subordinate other vital manifestations to oneself. Most often, the trigger is a strong stressful event that raises a feeling of sadness (due to loss, loss), injustice (unjustified expectations and ambitions), and is also possible in combination with envy of those who have the desired or not. that is important. Pity can arise when confronted with situations beyond the control of a person when he feels a sense of hopelessness. Strong personalities take important lessons out of this, learn to accept impotence, find out the limits of their capabilities, the weak begin to feel sorry for themselves. But in addition to truly insurmountable situations, self-pity is also caused by the inward image of one's own Self, and if it is perceived as fragile, weak, stupid, defenseless, then the person also behaves accordingly, refusing to deal with difficulties in advance. In such situations, it makes no sense to overestimate reality, but there is a need to restore adequate self-perception.
For self-pity is characterized by the concentration of a person on the negative aspects of his life, difficulties and losses, his own shortcomings and defeats. The main desire for what is necessary everything that happens is to arouse the pity of others and it is possible to get their help and support. Actually, the satisfaction of such a need is only the first few times, or if a person regrets himself rather seldom, otherwise this line of behavior, which is used too often, can cause other people to be rejected, then there can be no talk about support, but even about communication.
Self-pity requires a large amount of resources from surrounding people, whereas the person himself finds himself in a passive position, which annoys and annoys the environment. Even in the case of seriously ill or disabled people, the whole system is aimed at rehabilitating, accepting, accepting and returning a person to everyday life, the suffering and twisting of the feeling of unhappiness are never encouraged. In addition to accompanying a certain range of additional feelings, self-pity can cause severe forms of depression and melancholia, as well as be their symptom.
Characteristic for a person prone to self-pity is that when he is no longer supported and helped instead of finding a way to remedy the situation, he on the contrary turns away from everyone, becomes angry and closes. Loneliness is growing, the need for the participation of others is not filled and the requirements are growing. In the most critical situation, a person becomes so accustomed to feeling sorry for himself and to achieve everything through the sympathy of others, that this behavior begins to take on an aggressive and demanding coloring. It is almost impossible to help such a person, since all the advice is rejected, and there are many excuses to start a change, and one may get the impression that suffering is necessary for some reason. The more problems and misfortunes, the more exceptional becomes the personality, which in reality has nothing to present, besides, there are always excuses for why something was not achieved, and there is no fault of the person directly. If you regret it, you can count on the help of others or suffer from the cruelty of the world, but in any case it is a selfish departure from reality.
Человек в саможалении напоминает паралитика, только вместо тела обездвиженной оказывается воля и мышление, нет способности искать решение и выход из ситуации, для большинства которых требуются незначительные усилия. Агрессия и претензии начинают направляться не только на себя, но и на тех близких, которые пытаясь помочь, указывают пути улучшения. In a similar state, when new ways are not accepted, the energy dries out, besides its huge chunk is spent on maintaining the unfortunate state. Over time, a person learns how to replenish his own energy resource and begins to use someone else's, hence energy vampirism and the desire to merge all the negatives on others, instead of engaging in direct resolution of problems.
Self-pity is destructive in permanent emotional states. Do not confuse this with the fact that pity, love and self-care are one and help to overcome problems and maintain health. Excessive and constant pity kills faith in oneself, gradually reduces self-esteem, destroys the ability to effectively interact with the world. Constant thoughts of powerlessness and worthlessness begin to be realized, and if before a person, though he made mistakes, but acted, now he stops making even attempts to be active.
How to get rid of self-pity and others
The problem of how to get rid of feelings of pity can be of two directions: relative to one’s own personality and relative to the way one interacts with other people. But whatever side the desire to diminish its pity concerns, it is always about its destructive and negative direction, when the realization of this feeling contributes not to the support and accumulation of forces for overcoming, but to the decomposition and weakening of the personality.
Carrying out any actions out of pity, but to the detriment of yourself, is not a fact that you are helping a person or yourself. After spending the whole weekend repairing your friend, you will find out that he himself would have finished it faster, and you only distracted by talking. Or they borrowed a friend's money for a new phone, which finally forgot how to calculate the budget, and the friendship collapsed because of the money that was not given. So it’s with you, if you don’t send yourself to the training, having regretted aching muscles - you will have even more strength, then refusal from training, and as a result of health problems. Not always, refusing yourself, you can help another.
The first rule on the way of solving how to get rid of the feeling of pity is the assessment of one’s own state. If you do not have energy and a lot of problems, then first you must not express sympathy and help others with pity, but take care of yourself (even if others are worse) and improve your life. If you notice that you complain more and more often, then it is more logical to strain the remaining forces that have not yet been wasted on pity and solve your problems. Remember, as long as something does not suit you in your own sense of self and life, your actions should eliminate the unfavorable.
When you really feel sorry for others, think about whether they deserve pity, follow what actions or their absence has led a person to a point where you feel immensely sorry for him. Certainly, unfortunate accidents happen, but most of the trouble a person arranges for himself with his own hands, even if he does not notice a direct connection. Even homeless people are provided with many other solutions to their problem, there are official funds, employment exchanges and shelters, but people refuse them by choosing to beg and drink this money. Should you decide to regret it, because perhaps the idea is never to work, but to stand on the porch, it occurred to them after the pity of the first alms.
Keep track of topics when you start to feel pity, because half the time behind this lies the unmet need of the person to be justified, regretted. If the heart is squeezed from a child sitting alone on a swing, then perhaps you lack the sympathy of your parents, if you feel sorry for a hungry dog, then this may be your need for care and a ready dinner. Often, sparing others, people try to make up for the lack of self-pity, to fill those moments where they do not allow themselves to be weak or to make mistakes. You can feel sorry for the boy whom the teacher scolded and even protect, while not complaining to anyone about how the boss unfairly reprimands you. Such stories reveal blind spots in assessing and perceiving one’s personality and needs.
But sometimes sympathy for oneself is not something that does not lock in, but, on the contrary, begins to take life too actively, and then it should be slowed down. The first thing to do is to analyze the situation, abstracting as much as possible from the senses. When you realize the problem, you need to identify what makes you feel sorry for yourself in the current situation, and what you are counting on. If you understand that the expectations of self-resolution of the problem are strong, it is necessary to gradually regain responsibility for the experienced emotions and your own life. Even if the negative is connected with another person, then your experiences are subject to you, and how to turn the situation around to become better, look only for you. It is necessary to come up with practical actions that can change the course of events, and in order to be more effective, you must first consider that you are not doing where you make mistakes.
Look at the world not as something hostile and opposing you, but as a resource and opportunity for change - there are people who can help, there are places that give energy and fullness of strength. Train your positive thinking, setting tasks in each day to find ten positive points, turn troubles into a game, and you must extract the maximum benefit from the collapse. The more confident you are, the more successful it will be, so that the formation of increased self-esteem will have a great effect on getting rid of self-pity. After all, those who perceive themselves as strong and successful, relate to difficulties as a new challenge or an opportunity to express themselves, and not as a reason to hide in the farthest corner.
And be aware of the perception of information received from other people who can tell you about your weakness, fragility, inability, and about situations as unsolvable and catastrophic. Without proper criticism, such judgments tend to leak into your inner perception and become true, so surround yourself with positive and active people who can see good even in complete despair.