Psychology and Psychiatry

Ill-mannered child

An ill-mannered child is a child whose behavior does not conform to the norms of etiquette and interaction accepted in society. Characterized by frequent tantrums, protests, whims, refusals, instability of emotional states, ignoring the needs of others, as well as the inability to establish productive contact, both with peers and adults. An ill-mannered child, by his actions, may embarrass parents, for whom the desire to meet standard requirements is quite significant. Many people think about what to do if the child is ill-mannered, but few are able to look at the reason for this behavior and their own actions and relationships provoking it.

Lack of manners, as a violation of social norms, is often a sign of a personal crisis, a difficult transitional period, or a difficult situation in a person’s life. This is a kind of rebellion with which the child is trying to attract the attention of the world, signaling that not everything is in order. The worst thing that adults can do in this situation is to force the kid to fulfill the requirements by force. Optimally, when a child is shown to be rude, find out its cause. Especially often at an early age of up to three years, the upbringing and behavior of children worsens when fatigue occurs or is in a new situation. After spending the whole day without sleep, the baby may well turn the plate over with dinner, and the reason will not be in a bad upbringing or intentional desire of the child to spoil the evening.

The lack of experience limits the ability of children to choose reactions, and if in infancy they signaled any desires or inconveniences with crying and crying, then now it is necessary to arrange other situations of attracting attention. The task of an adult is to help the child deal with what really causes discontent and find ways to adequately address it.

In adolescence, a person lives the most serious personal crisis, there is an activation of various complexes, a decrease in self-esteem, a change of guidelines. In this situation, relationships with people you know and enter the house may change. Often, adolescents are rude and isolated, they can pass by relatives whom they adored several years ago. It is pointless to sound the alarm and look for syringes throughout the apartment, in most cases this harshness hides uncertainty and shyness.

When bad manners are caused by age-related crises and personal immaturity in understanding their own reactions, parents can play an exclusively supportive role, stocking up patience. You can help children understand their feelings and show what needs to be done in a particular situation and why.

Signs of an ill-mannered child

When children are ill-mannered and spoiled by the parents themselves, this is manifested by whims and an unstable psyche, moreover, such manifestations will each time be individual. This is especially distinguished by the moment of the general pamperedness of the young generations. The frequent situation when grandmothers accuse their grandchildren of bad manners and lack of culture is explained by their scale precisely because the cultural basis is changing. What was previously accepted may differ in form from the same messages now. Not expressing gratitude with the usual "thank you, very nice" is becoming a widespread norm, instead, people are increasingly commenting on the gift itself or their feelings about what happened. Understanding deeper, you can see that this approach is not about the lack of education, but about a different quality of interaction, where instead of formal and impersonal gratitude you share your own experiences with you and highlight your uniqueness.

If children are ill-mannered and spoiled, then there are certain signs for setting this characteristic. It is worth remembering that bad manners can relate exclusively to behavioral social reactions, but not to the emotional sphere. Even if it seems to you that loving your mother is normal, and the child does not love her, then this is neither a sign of bad manners, nor a deviation in behavior.

Social rules and social norms will vary depending on the country of residence of a person, his national identity and traditions prevailing in his native area. It is these categories that bring individual shades into the definition of signs of bad manners, but there are also basic concepts.

In the foreground is the tendency to interrupt the interlocutor. This rule of communication, which is relevant to any society, age, social level and ensures normal interaction. Only by fully listening can one understand the meaning of what has been said and desires. When there is no respect for the interlocutor, and his opinion means nothing, people begin to interrupt. This can happen to children if they have decided everything in advance and any other thought does not suit them in advance. It can also happen when a child is very excited or passionate about what is happening and simply does not notice that you were talking to another person. The need to share a discovery or to ask new things is a leading one for children and overshadows all others.

The next point is to throw garbage or refuse to clean the bed and toys. This may concern both the behavior on the street (wrappers are thrown on the asphalt), and at home (in his room or away). The experience is especially unpleasant for parents when the kid is littering away. Such behavior can be a protest, if before that you have very severely violated the boundaries of the child, and may be the result of copying your behavior. The child will not notice that you have washed all the dishes at night, but he will remember that you can leave it dirty after eating, it does not matter to him that you turned over all the cabinets because you were looking for an important document - for him it looks like an entertaining game. The culture of behavior on the street is largely shaped by external examples, verbal explanations, as a rule, are powerless, and if most of the children from his group in the kindergarten or school throw garbage on the street, then he will also do it.

Many parents of children of middle and high school age attribute to the lack of manners of their lateness. Indeed, this marker refers to social norms and reflects respect for other members of society. However, it is worthwhile to carefully follow when and why the child is late. If this concerns only trips to the music school, and otherwise it is punctual, the problem is not upbringing or bad character, not even forgetfulness - this is how an unconscious protest of visiting certain places is manifested. At an early age there is still no ability to navigate in time, children are often confused in the testimony of hours, and then the delays are explained not by bad manners, but by age unpreparedness. Only in the case of a systematic violation of temporary norms, with the understanding and ability to plan one’s time, can one speak of intentional violations.

Constant tantrums, selfish tendencies and the desire to force others to do only what is now necessary for the child are signs of either a violation of the emotional sphere or lack of manners. Up to three years, capriciousness and frequent tantrums are justified by a child’s misunderstanding of his emotional world and inability to interact with him. If, at an older age, excessive emotional outbursts continue, then upbringing was aimed at satisfying any whims, and crying is now used as the most virgin way of manipulation.

Selectivity in food also refers to signs of pampered and poor manners. Naturally, this does not mark excellent individual preferences, but when the whole family makes a menu under the pretensions of the child, this is not the norm.

Unmotivated refusal of accepted and standard things (food, clothes, sleep at a certain time, etc.) indicate a violation of the process of education. Requiring a child in such cases, instant change is not justified, since the causes of unwanted behavior appeared long ago, and most often caused by the behavior of parents.

What to do if the child is ill-mannered

What to do if a child is ill-mannered depends on the possibilities and depth of understanding by parents of the problem. In most cases, the further behavior of the child depends on the parental behavior. In order to prevent spoiling, parents need to stop possible options for pampering children and trying to buy off expensive presents and whims from him. Most often, due to the inability of the parent to provide a sufficient amount of love and warmth, they try to fill these gaps with material gifts or buy the baby’s obedience by fulfilling his desires. This strategy has a detrimental effect on parent-child relationships, increasing the emotional divide more and more, slowing down the personal development of the child and creating a manipulative communication style, as well as preventing him from establishing healthy relationships with peers. The latter is most clearly reflected in daily life and prevents further adaptation, since such a child excludes the same age group.

But besides constant indulgence there is another extreme - excessive severity and emotional coldness of the parents. Most often, it replaces self-indulgence, and the main problem remains the same - lack of sincere interaction, love and understanding. Only in the first variant the parent tries to pay off the child, and in the second it tries to subjugate him by force, while continuing to ignore the sensual sphere.

So what to do if the child is ill-mannered? Instead of such all-consuming permissiveness or rigor, it is necessary to introduce a number of rules. The baby always needs boundaries, since he still does not know how to define the world around him as benevolent or dangerous - this restrictive function lies on adults.

It is necessary to establish a set of minimum rules that must always be followed. That is, if it was agreed that the child comes home at seven in the evening, then it always happens, and does not depend on the mood of the mother, which may require an earlier return or be allowed to come later. Designation of the rules of external space gives the child confidence and removes half of the hysterical seizures. But at the same time, the set of requirements should be really minimal and comply with the safety rules. Concerning the manifestation of personal qualities, aspirations, and interests, the child must have complete freedom, which creates conditions for personal growth. Total control and lifestyle according to the parents' schedule will lead to rebellion, therefore there must remain a large proportion of free choice. The rules introduced in the family must be supported jointly, regardless of which parent the child applies to. If at least once someone gives in, then the child will continue to demand relief from this parent and the whole framework system will become invalid.

If bad manners are associated with crisis age moments, then parents can only be patient. In this case, they can explain to the child what happens to him when, at an early age, the child becomes acquainted with his emotions. You can also maintain, but not impose upon adolescence, provide a good feeling of love and acceptance.

The better the child’s manners, the better his social adaptation and well-being. Violation of social norms is always an indicator that there are problems of a psychological nature, in a family or in a child it is corny physically bad. It is necessary to find out the reason, but not mindlessly read notations about the necessary behavior.

How to bring up a rude child in kindergarten

In kindergarten, children's behavior may change and be different from home, especially in the very first visits. Lack of manners can be caused by testing the situation, only disobedience and defiant behavior helps the child in practice to learn what you can afford relative to your peers and relative to the caregiver. Accordingly, it is precisely in the first days that a child is in a new team that it is extremely important to establish the rules for acceptable behavior and control the situation.

Tantrums arising as a demand for something must be ignored. The more you try to console such a child, the brighter the attack will be next time, but you should not completely dismiss it. It is necessary to discuss what happened with the child only after he calms down. You need to calmly talk, explaining the situation, asking his opinion and coming to a common decision. If you succumb to children's tears, you reinforce the manipulative model; moreover, the other children of the group, noticing that it works, can quickly pick up the method.

In your requirements, follow the sequence, it is optimal that there were uniform requirements for the entire kindergarten team. If today you have allowed something to your child, tomorrow you are forbidden, his behavior will not become disciplined, since discipline is absent from the requirements of adults.

A great way is to delegate simple assignments to babies - this is how they feel the need and do not require attention by other methods. In addition, the execution of orders helps to foster responsibility. You can create groups competing in the cleaning of the tables after dinner, and the most ill-mannered to appoint the main team.

Pay attention to how parents interact with the baby, ask about the situation in the family. Kindergarten education can have a strong influence on the formation of the personality and correct some manifestations, but if the reason is in the family style of communication, then the situation will not change drastically. You can hold educational lectures for parents, most likely they also have difficulties with an ill-mannered child, and combine your efforts into a common, coordinated concept.