Have you ever seen a successful, wealthy businessman who, with every action, looks into the eyes of someone ingratiatingly and asks: "Did I do it right? Do you like it? Well, look, tell me ...?".
Such a picture seems even funny, before it is absurd!
The need for approval is a sign of uncertainty. It can be assumed that the need for approval does not give confidence. However, if the topic of self-confidence is very popular, it seems to be the key to success, then the topic of the need for approval is modestly silent.
Probably the need for approval is a sign of deep, unworked feelings. It, in turn, may flow, for example, from codependency, in which a person associates himself with society. He perceives the opinion of society as an immutable truth, more weighty than his own judgment. We will not now dwell on the causes and root causes of such behavior, but we will understand that you cannot get away with just external “self-confidence”.
Consider two options for events:
The child is coming to mom:
- Mom, is this a beautiful drawing?
Kind mother will answer:
- Yes, baby, this is a beautiful picture. You make the best drawings with me!
Thus, the mother makes it clear to the child that he is the best, and his drawings are magnificent. A boy or girl will grow up in firm confidence (or even in reassessment) of the wonderfulness of his work. Perhaps they will not ask anyone for approval, because the mother has instilled in them a strong conviction since childhood that does not need any confirmation. It is possible that with her approval she opened the way to further achievements. Indeed, for a child (and, alas, for many adults) approval = permission to do further.
In another case, the situation could be this.
A girl of about eight is coming to her mother:
- Mom, is this a beautiful drawing?
The wise mother answers:
- I see your drawing. I see that you tried. Do you like yourself?
- Yes, for me!
- So you painted well!
“But what is your opinion, mother,” the daughter does not lag behind.
- Why do you need my judgment? This is your drawing, and here I am? You have the right to do what you want and what you want (if it does not infringe the interests of other people). This is your area of influence: your desires and actions. Why do you include another person in them, even if this person is your mother?
With this behavior, the mother begins to emotionally “tear off” the child’s judgments even from significant people in life. She seems to be telling him: Do not look for other people's ratings! Lean on your own! Thus, a foundation is created for the formation of a self-sufficient personality.
However, the parent does not throw the child into the abyss of uncertainty! With the words "I see your drawing. I see that you tried," Mom gives the child a very important feeling: "there you are, there is your drawing, people see it."
The source of code-dependent behavior does not necessarily lie in the parent-child relationship. Opinions of experts on this issue are divided. But even if it is about the fact that the psyche is given to a child from birth, and parents only “slightly” correct behavior patterns, then why not start a “correction” at an earlier age, when false models have not yet become entrenched?
From many successful characters you can hear the opinion that they went their own way, no matter what. They say that people around them often did not understand them, that from the outside it was, at best, skeptical. But most important of all was his own desire to go, conviction in his own way. And it was it that brought in the right direction. Here I would like to recall the release of the journal "Yeralash": "Well, who draws like that ?!" The girl depicts a dog on the asphalt. The twin boys appear in turn, then three girlfriends, and everyone says that the heroine is not doing the dog that way. Redraw the ears and tail. The girl is crying. Then a man appears in multi-colored glasses and says that the dog does not have such teeth. In the end, it turns out the crocodile, which turns into a real ...
Those who need the support of society are most likely not very successful at work and in life. And then the question arises, how can you get rid of the need for external approval and praise? How to gain your internal approval and thereby become a more confident and self-sufficient person?
At the first stages it is possible to advise to develop a support within yourself. For example, it can manifest itself in the internal unconditional trust (you yourself know exactly what you did, as you did and you have your own judgment about everything within your own space):
- You know what results you have achieved in your business.
- You know what kind of work and hardship (worthy of respect) and good aspirations go to the well-known results.
- You know that the results of your work are necessary and useful to people (another thing is that others may not be ready for new knowledge and discoveries).
- You have reliable evidence of the effectiveness of the methods found (accomplished discoveries, achievements, etc.). Only by experience can you get an objective confirmation of your opinion. You can safely rely on this important part of the question. And when you get the required evidence, you will understand that public opinion compared to the whole of this discovery (achievement) - almost nothing.
And if you think your business is good, but you need to be recognized by others, then you stand badly on your soil. The stronghold did not strengthen, did not acquire the necessary hardness. Develop yourself, develop your business! Your task is to ensure that you yourself are 1000 percent sure that you have done the best possible way. Improve, get experience, learn from other people - anything, but your opinion about your own achievements should acquire an absolute, unshakable solid foundation.
P.S. In the first part of the “People from the Cabinet” series of books there is an entire chapter - training that allows you to “plunge into your own embrace” and gain such an important feeling of your own approval, at least for the first time (the topic of independence of judgments is developed. In the following books, new aspects of experiences, and the study is already at a different level.) The first part has already been published on the Internet, the reader can get acquainted with several chapters for free.
To be continued - How do you yourself feel about your opinion?