Is your opinion important to you? And what is the first - personal understanding or judgment of others? And if others are groundlessly convicted, will you be worried? Or calmly leave a false decision on their conscience?
Are you looking for external confirmation of the fidelity of their judgments? With this attitude, you yourself depreciate your opinion. You make personal judgments empty and meaningless. Treat them as worthlessness. But you demand recognition from others: you always defend, prove by all means your point of view. You surely want others to take it for the truth.
People love to judge. In the understanding of the inner beast, acting on the sly - from the subconscious, to judge, it means to imagine yourself to be the all-knowing lord. And this, in turn, makes it possible to feed on one’s own importance. Thus, to defile your neighbor is a known way to become more majestic.
It is very important to understand that when evil criticism, misunderstanding, unfair judgments and other unkind trends are hovering around - it’s pointless to respond. Those who like to judge by the first act, and not by sensation, are poorly understood. And most of all they want to express themselves, and not listen to others. Try to let them speak out - and you will see how calm down.
How to calm down yourself
In a barrel of honey, stuffed with the understanding of an innocent participant in the events, can not do without a fly in the ointment. The “I - surrounding” interaction cannot be one-sided, in which the “I” is white and fluffy, not a participant at all, but “surrounding” - it is not known where the random, dark personalities come from. It seems to us that external events and the reasons for their attraction are not obvious. Therefore, we argue that they are not. In the conventional sense, it sounds like: “I don’t act like that, why do they allow themselves this !?” It is very important for the seeker to open his eyes to his own behavior: any victim does not miss any opportunity to condemn and criticize. Maybe it does not happen in such a sharp form as it comes back. But the fact is. The model of behavior necessarily attracts people like the hero. Thus, if a problem has arisen nearby - look for the cause in yourself - in your own reactions, behavior patterns, in actions.
You are not an innocent participant in this case. You are also a provocateur! And, perhaps, the way to calm down is to conflict and not to start?
But it is also necessary to understand: where excessively strong emotions enter into the matter with one external “nobility” you will not manage. It is most likely that this is not about responding thoughts, but more even in the feelings of the key hero. If an event causes a desire to rebel, tell acquaintances and friends, and then remember for a long time afterwards, then it hurts. Deliverance consists in finding a key experience reflecting this event, and then in understanding what that experience needs. When the sick feeling is sated with the desired need, the problems end.
An important aspect of the exclusion of any dispute is:
Confidence in your own opinion
This confidence does not need any evidence. Why do you need the consent of society? - Admit yourself! External reaction should not matter, because you no longer need confirmation of your rightness and success. Confessions do not need to search. Inside, everything is already there.
And then the situation will change exactly the opposite!
It is enough to pay attention to the behavior of the leader in society, to make sure of this! His confidence in his own opinion is so powerful and strong that it is impossible not to notice or not to pay attention. People can only believe and listen to what they have heard, stretch after. Voiced faith transmits judgment to others, and not vice versa. And others, in turn, decide to accept this challenge or not. But the famous person does not care. His path is open - no one can stop except his own desire. The rest does not matter.
He doesn't look back. The surrounding opinion is important only in marketing research on the topic: what the customer likes and nothing personal. And in his own judgment, external evaluation is nothing. He is a powerful locomotive, which pulls the multi-ton wagons behind him. All that interferes - is swept away. The engine does not even notice the wrinkled grass, broken twigs, accidentally caught on the way. Gently but surely follows the intended path. And now others need authoritative confirmation. They do not know, they are not sure what is right and what is not. There is nothing left for them any more than to catch the known fire and take it for your own.
What causes ingratiating behavior?
All aspects of a dependent person are tied to a massive positive assessment. Reliance on the surrounding praise is also born from the age when you understood that parents, as it were, look at you with the eyes of others. Relatives also do not have an internal healthy support for their own opinions. All their life they sought approval from others. And including the approval of your behavior. If the child does not like someone, the mother cannot protect or praise him. Because she herself is ashamed and uncomfortable in front of others for the fact that she and her child do not correspond to the opinions of others.
And she hides in passivity (does not protect the child), is ashamed, even moves away from her offspring. And it is very painful, unbearable.
And then you understand: in order to receive acceptance from your parents, you must first earn a positive assessment of those around you. Thus, you are involved in a constant hunt for external approval and the opportunity to finally prove to your family and strangers their dignity and the right to everything. In addition, the baby has never received protection from external negative influences in the family. In any criticism, parents took the opposite side. Which means, under the sharp spears, you were always alone. How can you learn to resist the bad, or even not to pay attention to the "spears" when they hurt so much? You began to look for any way to avoid pain. Because you do not know how to cope with it. Just as your parents, fearing pain, did not know how to protect you or yourself.
It is impossible to be always good for everyone! Always be surrounded by positive emotions will not work!
Therefore, “begging” for your behavior and avoiding painful situations is utopia. It is much more useful to develop an internal defense, resistance to the rejection of anyone.
Such internal armor is the feeling of being protected by parents.
Exercise: Create your armor.
Imagine that in situations of attacks of others, relatives are always on your side. It doesn't matter if you did it right or wrong. Surroundings do not have the right to insult. And even when they did it - you do not perceive. Because you know, there are loving people who will always protect and support.
Fill the right feelings of yourself - the child and yourself - an adult to full satisfaction.
You feel parental strength and confidence. The most expensive, beloved, important people no matter what other people said. For them, the most valuable person is you. You are important as you are. You feel the hot heat that fills the stomach, lower abdomen, flows through the legs and enriches, gains its strength in the ground and from there comes a sensible hot stream back to you - through the feet, into the legs, into the stomach, into you. Fills the body and heart - ticklish, but sure, this warmth. Limbs firmly on the ground. Because you now have a support, a pivot, a defense, a solid, unshakable essence - you yourself.
Parental acceptance is unconditional. It is with you always.
And out of it, its own armor is born - the ability to accept all that is good and to defend against the bad. The bad flies by - it is not about you. All the necessary correction of your behavior is in good and warm. All that is devoid of such feelings, stumbles over the armor of parental acceptance, love and warmth.
Any psychologist knows: excessive emotions are tied to whole "pies" of inner experiences, feelings, problems, wrong attitudes, interlaced in one tangle. Everyone faced with the dismantling of these multi-layered "pies" and the unraveling of the "tangles". The topic touched is no exception. This article presents only the tip of the iceberg, which is hidden behind a lot of experiences. Parent-child relationships are just the beginning of the main topics. In the books of “People from the Cabinet,” the reader can, if desired, find deeper levels of study of known problems in which parents no longer have any meaning. However, before proceeding to this serious work, you need to deal with all the visible parts of "icebergs" - for example, by studying the material on this site.