Psychology and Psychiatry

The pursuit of success or the need to trust people

We continue to publish articles on the book series People from the Cabinet. In pursuit of success, the hero set a goal (for Zen Buddhism): to get rid of this very desire (to be successful). And he is trying to understand what is behind such a passionate, uncontrollable desire? He received a lot of answers. They are all intertwined like a ball of wool. The tangle is to be first unraveled (in these articles, an attempt is made to disunite and understand many needs that have merged into one), and the books are taught to throw them away ...

At first you are interested in any business. You like it, you grow in it, strive, rejoice. You even fall into it, although you may understand that this is not entirely correct. And gradually, bypassing the conscious desire, you create another prop - stool. You are waiting for success, good luck, quick results (required) and most of all, of course, you strive for the ultimate goal.

The process quickly annoys. For example, after three months, a state called emotional burnout may occur. Of course, it’s still far from the results, until good luck, too, there can be no talk of achieving the goal. No reinforcements.

And then, we say that you need to love your work, be in the process, and enjoy the process itself, not put a goal at the head of your life. However, even with such a correct approach, you can one day be “blown away”. Maybe not so fast, but rather sharply. Just yesterday, you were still full of hope, and today you cannot bring yourself to get to work. Moreover, "get to work" is now associated with a certain barrier, despair and fear, from which unbearable tension is born.

And even when you overpower yourself and continue the activity you started - most of the forces now go to create imaginary comfort and motivation.

You can break the goal into phased tasks. Then you perform (or do not perform) tasks at various stages and constantly think up, for which to praise yourself (pull the string so that it does not stop, but does), and what to approve.

But the depression has already begun. And all that is being done is giving unreal, shallow hope. And somewhere deep inside you have already decided everything. There will be no success. There is nothing to go to. I still can not. Once you get tired of this whole theater, and it is crossed out by a big and fat point. I will not do this again.

And you go further. Search for the next stage for the implementation of their "successful ideas." And there in the present case, which is "exactly mine", you again experience joy, immersion with the head, enlightenment, despair. The circle repeats.

What is the barrier that stands in your way?

What is so painful and unbearable?

What are you running from and what are you looking for so vehemently and passionately?

For example, you can look for another “backup” in those around you in the form of their faith in you. In childhood, this is the very feeling of accepting a family, the warmth of a loved one, joy gave strength to move forward and overcome difficulties.

But even then you could lose that heat. For example, if you did not fulfill their instructions or did not meet expectations. After all, you are given a very valuable thing - the trust of loved ones. But it is given for some reason "in debt." If you did not return it in the form of an excellent performance of the task, then the trust will be taken back. As if it is a bargaining chip! And you are so afraid, so trying to get their warmth, and then, when you get it, you are very afraid of losing. Because only in the presence of this strange feeling do you really think about yourself, and consider yourself a valuable and important person.

But you lost everything. Once you, for example, turned out not at all what your parents expected. Another time you could not overcome the difficulty (and once you did not teach this). The third time you were so eager for this feeling, you wanted to get it so quickly that you didn’t even give yourself time to achieve what you wanted.

That's how your success ended. Not having time to start.

Because trust is given as if once. And if you did not justify it, then the next time there will be no warmth and acceptance!

And before us again misunderstood, unaccepted, abandoned and rejected little unhappy little man.

But in this state it is impossible to live! It is possible only to die in it. At about the age of 30, a “midlife crisis” may begin and the thought of death and ambiguity of the goal may begin to come.

In the meantime, you are not 30 and it seems that everything is still ahead. And you're looking for a way to quickly gain confidence. "I will definitely do it, I will definitely prove it. I will achieve adoption in the family. And finally, I will receive joyful warm feelings."

And it becomes a vital goal, to prove ...

The circle has no exit. You must continue the door to a different value system yourself.


Exercise 1: Unconditional Trust

Unconditional trust you have to model yourself. And then fill with a constant, unshakable feeling and make it an important part of yourself.

The need for trust is one of the important aspects of taking ...

Imagine the “right trust”: this is both acceptance and support of close (surrounding) people. This is faith in you, but not in the result that you achieve, but in the best qualities and impulses. You no longer measure imaginary indicators of success or "goodness" or other criteria of positivity in someone's rating system. You are not expected to get a certain behavior that is understandable only to one person or a group of close people, but they allow you to be who you are.

You are accepted in all your manifestations! You can do it on your own - and no one will blame for it! You can get any result - and you will not lose trust for it! You can even make mistakes and no longer hide from the "judging glance of others."

Hide from anyone!

You are free!

You are approved!

Because now there is own trust - the ability to treat yourself, your inner desires, needs and experiences as a value.

Feel that sense of value. And fill them with all the components of yourself: feelings, movements, desires, goals, mistakes, failures.

And when you move to the goal, the value now has the very power of your desire, the fact of having a striving, the best impulses of your soul, which are pushing for accomplishments. All the efforts you make are your efforts. Imagine that your family supports you in this: believes in the best qualities.

And then you can be filled with your own faith in your own strength. And you no longer need to prove to yourself and the world the ability to do something. It is enough just to believe in abilities and in the fact that at each moment of time you put maximum effort and did everything you could. You sincerely tried and laid out all the resources that were available.

And if something did not work out, it means that it just has not yet reached the necessary level of knowledge, skills and abilities.

Exercise 2: The need for recognition (to be necessary)

Why do you need a confession?

To feel needed (useful)

Why do you feel needed?

To get approval, thanks to others.

And we already know how to get it according to the results of all previous exercises!

And then a vicious circle is obtained ... why do you need a recognition, if you can fill yourself with all the necessary constituent states?

And this is just like a long-established children's pattern of behavior - asking for praise, approval, warmth. There is no soil under it (you don’t need all of this), and you still keep the habit. No recognition signs - I will not work.

Remember your childhood. It is doubtful that in 15 years you were eager to help your mother or father with great pleasure. After all, for washing the floors will not get recognition. Then why try? And now, if you know that for the realization of even the most necessary (in your opinion) business you will not receive recognition, then why try?

And it gets up.

And before us is an adult. He as if begging for recognition to get a sop of adoption and warmth.

Let's turn again to the correct, healthy behavior. If we are talking about any important, useful business, is it appropriate to make it dependent on gratitude? If I wipe the floors, does this action become valuable only if mom tells me a big thank you (and will repeat it once 300, otherwise I will not believe)? It seems to me that helping mom, for example, is valuable in itself. For example, because I decided so.

I decided to help. And my personal opinion is enough for me. And I do not need any thanks, recognition, reflection in the eyes of others and so on. Because my opinion carries value. Because inside me, faith in my opinion and in myself.

And I knowingly again turned to the topic of recognition. Because if you caught yourself again on this need, it means that there is a need to go back to the material covered and repeat everything anew. Increase your own intrinsic value. Get away from these races for external evaluation!