One day my six-year-old daughter made another craft that was meant to be put on her head. I took it with me to the preparatory school and, not at all embarrassed, went to classes in self-made hare ears, moreover, I adjusted them so that they hung as clearly as possible on the face. My not very confident attempts to make a “decent beautiful girl” met with such obvious and energetic resistance that they had to give up their positions.
I was in the opinion about how bad my daughter looks, who went to preparatory school not at all in a bow, but with paper ears that shamelessly cover half of her face. What was my surprise when I heard the sincere admiration of teachers: "What a good fellow, our Olesya! Something interesting, but always come up with! Did you do it yourself?"
So I concluded that our views on "beautiful" and "good" are not always true. And, perhaps, the most beautiful and good thing that can be in the world is not the usual white bow, but the opportunity not to hide their creations, not to be ashamed of them: "And whoever misunderstands is the fool himself."
This is the permission to express oneself in the form and manner in which one wants oneself. Self-expression is impossible without attention, but simply not paying attention to the missing need.
The right to express yourself must be non-judgmental! This is the case when the process is important, not the result. Only then, from a qualitative, thoughtful process, will a worthy recognition result appear. But not the other way around! However, society teaches us the opposite. In society, at best, it is customary to notice something that is commendable. Hence, from childhood, a projection is formed: "I am noticed when I do something good." Here, too, an excessive need for praise, without any rational ground, takes its origin. And hurry is also included in the chain of strange reactions (the desire to receive praise quickly). The person is trying to finish faster to get the result, praise and feel, finally, the importance of their actions. Naturally, in this version of the good performance, in fact, that is an important manifestation of the personality itself, can not speak.
Thus, self-affirmation in generally accepted behavioral models is based on the expectation of always a public (or external) positive assessment. And criticism is perceived as a denial of the right to be yourself, to express yourself as you want, and so on. And causes a backlash. And how can I win my right to being?
As a child grows, those around him actively reinforce a false perception. In the adult world all the same mechanisms work! "If you have succeeded - your point of view has the right to life. We will listen to you, respect you, so to speak, with attention." And if the hero did not become famous, it means that no one calls him, and no one will listen to him. Evaluation system destroys individuality!
And in the true case of self-expression is important to yours, not like the rest of the authorship. And we measure everything with one ruler, losing behind the man’s invented values, his right to be himself.
But a person can act and think as he sees fit. Anyone deserves attention (and respect) for one simple reason: he is a person, a member of our society, he is and he has the right.
And our attention should be unconditional. This is precisely the very mutual respect for each other. We demand it all, but we do not know the nature of this property, we do not imagine what it is now. Thus, the hero respects his right to his opinion and accepts someone else’s right to a different opinion.
When a person is aware of the described moments, he can realize the following: every enemy and offender who stands on the righteous road and argues, like a hero, needs public expression. The more aggressive the opponent's behavior, the more he needs to manifest himself. How does he show his own personality? Through the negation of the point of view and the right to the individuality of others (just as the hero does so far). And if a participant is watching himself, he may notice a strange feeling - as if he is betraying himself.
There is another side to the coin. Next to conflicts, ingratiation is walking - agreeing with an opponent just so that he does not deny you. Consent for fear of rejection has a multiple nature. And here the lack of opportunity in self-expression, as in the right to my presence in this world, plays a vivid role. You kind of beg a good attitude. From time to time, he is even ready to change his course, to adapt himself to the critic, and all this just so that he does not express a negative point of view. And, strangely, by agreeing, you betray yourself again.
The prototype of one of the main characters of the book "People from the Cabinet" - a typical representative of the clan of a dependent society, a person who exists in reality, and the path of his own mistakes and awareness, at the beginning of the story did not feel his right to life. He, in fact, turned into a book in order to learn how to allow himself to be as he is. At the beginning of the story, he even set a goal: "To become successful" - he thought that he could get humanity, participate in his life and, most importantly, accept himself as a relative and even strangers. Acknowledgment as acceptance seemed to him the most important among all! He could not live without it! He won as best he could - in childhood, with good ostentatious behavior, ingratiation, satisfaction. In adulthood, by consent, where I disagree; listening where not interested; presence where one does not wish to be, etc. He has to constantly “deserve” this place under the sun - the right to be, the right to live in warmth and acceptance. Accustomed to living like this, he releases needles in advance, like a hedgehog. And it is in a world where everyone steps on each other - conquering their place under the sun. Aggression is habitual here - everyone gets it in full and thinks that this is the norm. And everyone wants warmth - still shaky, insecure, at least some, just not to perish.
People learned a long time ago: to get warm - you have to curry favor.
To meet the natural need for the right to manifest itself - you have to fight. Hence, the inability to kindly ask to reduce the volume, the inability to give way, the inadequate reaction to the requests of others ("deny me").
The search for any attention — at least positive, even negative — is also a manifestation of the need for self-expression. Individuality in its manifestation requires the public. Being an adult, I kind of "begging": "Listen to what I said! Answer me! Pay attention to my status! Read my article? Look at my drawing! Write me a mail!"
Perception - painful, unsatisfied gives "at the exit" perverted interpretations (similar to the consequences of the lack of personal space).
No answer - I was not noticed.
The answer is negative (argue, criticize) - they deny me.
This way of thinking and behavior is sucked into a strong, seemingly insurmountable circle in which there is no way out. Getting out is really difficult. This will have to focus on focusing on external evaluation by systematically switching to internal allowing yourself to be. This is mainly the work of awareness and willpower.
The topic described is closely intertwined with the previously considered need in our own emotional space. Personal emotional space gives you the opportunity to be what you are and not to prove anything to anyone (not to make excuses and not to defend). And the completed need for self-expression ceases to need attention. Being within one’s own boundaries makes it possible not to argue with anyone and not to prove anything to anyone, and thus leaves, in the desired state, no treachery towards oneself. But it needs to learn.
This publication continues the series of articles written in the "People from the Cabinet" series of books. If the reader feels that the understanding described here is not enough for him, he can refer to the material in the books, set out in a deep form, in the language of the subconscious. The protagonist of the books gains independence from society through the consciousness of personal space in which everyone has the right to be what he is. And, of course, gives this right to others. So no one comes to each other "on the heels." Everyone respects the rights of the other. The traveler, however, does not stop there. He also gets rid of the need for attention to himself and to his works. He agrees to leave the results of self-expression within his own space (not to impose on society).