Psychology and Psychiatry

Dependence on society, as the need for affection

We continue to publish articles on the book series People from the Cabinet. Why does the hero of books, explicit or hidden, place society above himself? And if addiction is a disease, what to do with it? And if we are talking about a healthy need, then why does it contradict the desire to be yourself?

Note: Despite the frequent mentioning of books in this article, the author emphasizes that the reader can independently cope with his similar problems at the initial stage if he reads these articles carefully. The reader can cope with deeper manifestations of his feelings if he regularly practices Zen Buddhism (this has already been written in previous articles).

Some psychologists pay attention to the topic of a person’s natural need for affection. It is believed that the child has this need expressed more clearly and depends on its satisfaction, whether he grows up to be an adequate member of society, or always looking for a reciprocal feeling in the eyes of others. It is believed that the need for attachment is inherent, but the ability to satisfy and establish it is absorbed in the process of socialization of a growing person. It is from his environment, from the sincere and warm feelings of adults towards the child that his emotional development depends.

The importance of this manifestation can be judged by many factors. So an infant who has not received enough emotional warmth can die. Older children, not having the opportunity to be truly necessary to someone, are lagging behind in development. Quite often there are situations when a child feels rejected in a happy family. They do not pay attention to his feelings, and do not recognize him as a full-fledged member of the family or society (or do not know how to recognize).

Isn’t a person overly dependent on society, the same little hero who, in his childhood, received less warmth from his own parents? Wasn’t yesterday's incident this girl or boy still in the closet, because in the past they didn’t know and didn’t want to see them? Today they turned into typical losers who got angry with society because society did not accept them ...

Rejected, misunderstood, misunderstood, they now live in their dark, absent world and are afraid to appear outside, because there they will again meet familiar misunderstanding, indifference, and sometimes even rejection. They hid themselves and their feelings even from themselves - because it is dangerous to be yourself. Because, like you, there is a real one, no one (even yourself!) Is needed (parents did not know how to accept their own child).

This and other articles, and, of course, the aforementioned books are devoted to the “people from the closet”, who realized or didn’t realize their misfortune.

Signs of illness

The first article from the series of publications devoted to the book series “People from the Cabinet” reveals some aspects of the unhealthiness of an excessive desire for success. Let us turn to the already published material and analyze the symptoms of illness by points.

What does the hero of the famous story feel?

1. Void inside.

What else can feel a person who does not know himself? The hero of the story does not have its own interests and hobbies, or they exist, but they do not “feed” enough from the inside. If a healthy individual can quietly be alone with himself and enjoy loneliness unlimited time, then the hero of books and these articles is afraid of loneliness, afraid of himself. And, of course, inside it is not a healthy fullness, namely, emptiness.

2. Throwing, the search for "own plate" alternately alternating with desolation and despair is the result of "emptiness". Previously, the hero tried to fill this void with external communication. Today he was tired of rejection and hid. The feelings of such a person can be described as: "How should I be? And where should I be if I can't be ?!"

3. The lack of personal implementation (sometimes, even despite the possible apparent success). How can I realize myself if I hid myself, and I do not know myself, and even afraid to find out?

4. Unnecessary - the seeker may not even have friends (either few or not). The hero himself rejects people - in order not to feel rejected by himself. As a result, the participant of events may not really have friends or a circle of people with whom there is a warm communication.

5. Meaninglessness and worthlessness of existence, not understanding the meaning of your life. Man does not know why he lives, as if in vain.

This item is a consequence of the previous ones. If I hid myself, therefore, "I am not", then it is logical to assume that there is no my life and its meaning. How to find the meaning of what is not?

Unclaimed, lack of recognition by others.

How can you claim that which is not? (Do not forget, the hero hid all his manifestations "in the closet").

7. Humiliation.

Humiliation is a model of behavior learned from childhood. Humiliation is a way of asking for human warmth, without which it is completely impossible to live.

8. Feeling of "stagnation", "swamps", lack of development.

Result of being "in the closet."

9. Not understanding where to apply your knowledge and skills and what to do next.

This item can be interpreted as confusion. He confirms and clarifies all of the above.

The hero can sometimes try:

1. To defend from others the right to their point of view, wants to be heard and respected, and ideally taken for the right.

Man has not learned to accept himself, to be himself, and to hear himself. He does not even know what it is to be yourself (or knows, but not enough, only partly). If we assume that the roots of this problem are taken from childhood, then the connection becomes clear: the parent does not accept me - I do not accept myself. In today's version, the role of "parent" is performed by "society. It turns out: society does not accept me - I do not accept myself.

2. Achieve respect for yourself.

All stereotypes of a person dependent on society are built on an attempt to prove something to society. So he believes that in order to respect yourself, you must first achieve this respect from others. But in a healthy version, everything happens the other way around: primary self-esteem, through which a person is able to respect others.

3. "Win" a kind of game that is constantly being conducted in society.

The game is called "prove to others." By analogy with the previous paragraph, absolutely all aspects of a healthy personality in a sick variant are worked out through others. Through other people, the dependent person tries to achieve a sense of self-worth, importance, originality, necessity, etc.

There may be perception problems:

1. Excessive orientation to the opinions of people around. Their point of view determines mood, not their own. A dependent person does not have his own point of view, mood, or hobbies at all. And if there is, then all this is so depreciated that it has absolutely no meaning.

2. Any refusal seems a denial of one’s identity.

Another confirmation of self-perception through other people. Here, as it were, a bunch of "I am them."

3. Rejection of criticism - any.

"Criticism is rejection. This is denial of my personality."

4. Painful perception of failures.

"Failure" is always an evaluation from the point of view of society.

5. Lack of internal dignity and self-esteem.

These concepts of the wounded psyche are not at all familiar. All you need to achieve through the fight with others.

6. Feeling of hostility of the surrounding world.

When I fight the world - the world fights with me.


The author gives only a few ways to overcome superficial, visible, understandable feelings, behind which, most likely, the reader will encounter others. But this is a matter of serious work on oneself, which has occupied as many as seven parts of the books described.

Exercise 1: There is always a close person next to me (me)

The first option: simplified.

Refer to your feelings, which arise at the moment of feeling a special intimacy with a native (or very important for you) person. Pass through yourself the “moment of cohesion” - when “there is you and me” and this can turn into a complete “We!” For a short time. However, do not linger too much in the state of "We", because you ultimately need to learn to be yourself, that is, to separate yourself from all attachments. It is enough to apply this exercise only in those cases when a dreary sense of loneliness appears inside.

Another variant of this exercise is more “advanced” - the transition from the burning “me alone” melancholy to the completely new feeling “I am with myself”. Through the feeling of “I am with myself” (I am not alone when I am with me!), One can acquire the sought and very important pleasure of being with me:

I am my own best friend

I myself am the best interlocutor

I myself am the best support

I myself am the best listener

I myself am the best savior

I myself am the best support

And so on.

Then pass through the sensations that previously only appeared in intimacy with other people:

I am needed

I'm important

I'm wonderful

I am dear

But now these sensations should be associated with the importance and necessity of oneself, first of all for oneself, and not for others.

Exercise 2: Protect Yourself from Pain

(Called to end relations with those who do not understand you and, perhaps, offend).

This exercise is logical to carry out after the previous one. At first you felt warm and the pleasure of communicating with yourself and only then you can build your own boundaries in communication (we spoke about our own boundaries in previous articles).

From the destructive contacts that cause you pain, it seems a denial, you can just leave. Now not to cling to the imaginary reflections of human warmth where this heat is not for you, but to find it in yourself. Tear yourself away from unnecessary communication! And feel your own warmth from yourself!

Exercise 3: Self Healing

The first, simplified version of the exercise: The heat of my body.

As in all previous exercises, here we use the tactics of self-suggestion: we pronounce the words and try to feel their effect on ourselves as much as possible. The main task: to catch the feeling. Then this feeling needs to be replaced by everything that hurts and asks for heat.

My human, living heat comes from the heart. It is directed towards itself. It is the most important, the most understanding, the most real, the right and necessary for me. It comes to me 100% - in blood, in DNA, in all parameters, like no other, because it is warm - mine.

It is my heat that can cure me of my pain (and no other, as I was convinced of this before). Only I can believe in myself, support myself, calm down and find the desired harmony and pleasure next to me.

I feel the warmth of my body. I can touch it to make sure of it. And it is this feeling of living human heat that is now the most present, the closest and most necessary to me. It spreads from the heart throughout the body and nourishes all of me.

A more advanced version of the exercise: The warmth of my soul.

The warmth of my soul is all that I feel in relation to myself. My important healing feelings should be: self-love and acceptance: complete self-understanding and agreement with oneself, self-forgiveness. The warmth of my soul is like the sun, but only it is mine and shines from within. With its light, it warms me, gives me the feeling of accepting mom that was forgotten from childhood, turning it into its own.

In all the exercises described it is important to remember: now I and my feelings should be more important than the feelings received from other (surrounding) people. Therefore, the emphasis is on me and all of mine. After all, this is ultimately the addicted person who is begging from others: "pay attention to me!" But, one can find oneself only in oneself, and not in the consciousness of other people.