Psychology and Psychiatry

Who are you? Humiliated or degrading?

With high probability, asking this question is both. But, as a normal person, worthy of respect only by the right of his existence, becomes a participant in vile games, born of the human mind?

We continue the series of articles devoted to the book series People from the Cabinet. (The second part has already been published on the Internet under the title: “Shades of Freedom.” However, the author strongly recommends starting with reading the first). The previous article revealed the meaning of the desire to be the best. The model of self-elevation is always implemented at the expense of others. Others (not the best, in comparison with the best) in this case are humiliated directly or indirectly. Of course, we are talking about the perception of the so-called “loser”, because it’s about the loser that is mentioned in the first parts of the “People from the wardrobe” series (then the hero, according to the author’s idea, should turn into a “successful man”). In a sense, a comparison with others, a goal: to find out who is better and who is worse - humiliating in itself. Because there are no "worst" and "best" people. (We are talking, of course, about the average, ordinary society that exists in peacetime).

How did it all begin?

Perhaps at your early age it was like this:

- Mom, can I have a cucumber ?!

“No, you haven't cleaned the room yet.”

- Here, look, I have already cleaned up!

- Very bad. Under the bed garbage, things are not in the closet removed, and shifted to the bedside table. Redo it! And I went to bed, don't wake me up!

- Maaam ... mamaaa ... I cleaned up ...

- Son, I said, do not wake me up! Now wait!

Something is happening in the room. A woman hears her son dragging a chair or stool, inserts her ... He took a cucumber!

He dared to disobey her! She jumps out of bed and rushes to figure out. He rushes into the nursery: a boy examines a book and rather chews a cucumber.

Mother embraces a strong anger, she takes a cucumber and punishes her son for disobedience ...

He just acted, not as she ordered ... The son was not very persistent. He became afraid ... and learned to be humiliated. Not necessarily outside, but already inside. Such is not entitled to their desires, actions, decisions, discoveries. Nothingness deprive of personal, their own needs, and impose their own, parental rules of behavior. And these rules, and with them the strict requirement of unquestioning obedience, raise an infantile, weak-willed, weakly character, aggressive coward.

Where is the person? Where is the man himself, his best qualities, creative ideas, dissimilarity, and value? He got lost with a cucumber. The son of the mentioned heroine had no right to decide to eat the desired piece. With that, he fulfilled all the voiced requirements (he cleaned up, did not wake his mother)! Except for one thing - he did not receive her personal personal permission.

And she, having determined that it was wrong, when her son put herself in nothing, undertook to teach him a lesson. Cruel punishment reminds who is in charge here. How else? Sibling after all will not obey mother at all! The rationale lies in a simple understanding: the child performs sound tasks when he feels the understanding of the parents. First, you understand (and therefore you allow to be) the feelings and needs of your daughter or son, and only then they will, of their own free will, meet you.

And what do we get as a result of a sad story? We get an insecure, downtrodden man who learned not the lesson that his mother (or even his father, but in a sharper form) tried to teach him: it’s important not to do what needs to be done, but to please those who are stronger than you or has more rights. Another version of the interpretation of parental messages in the child's psyche: "I do not have the right to my own actions and self-expression. I must please others." And here he is - the hero of the above book. He used to be a normal person, but now he hid in a closet. Because I understood: personal manifestations are dangerous.

Today is a boy, and tomorrow an adult cannot rely on his own decisions, judgments, thoughts! He needs permission! And he looks humbly into the eyes of those around him: “Can I pass here?”, “Did I do this correctly or not correctly? Wrong? Sorry, I thought it was better, I tried ... I'm sorry that I am again bad,” “Not scold, please, that I’ve inherited, I’m going to close it ...

So the hero learns to live according to the established rules (awaiting permission or approval from his father or mother).

And then the reader finds out in the news about how children are killed for disobeying her Majesty Pride. And in fact, for the desire to eat a cucumber and not disturb the mother at the same time. So the human cub learns very important rules. He was inspired by the game, he learned and continues to live in it. But in another way - he did not see, he did not know, he could not.

What can humiliate a person

The mockery of his feelings (important and main), the mockery (especially public). With ridicule of the child’s feelings or lack of faith in his feelings, parents often sin.

Mistrust, not allowing to act on one's own will.

Orom.

Indifference.

Name calling

Coercion.

Showing pity instead of love (provokes the feeling of being worthless, not worthy of love). Etc.

How to stop humiliate and humiliate?

Pride is an echo of former humiliation. (Stepan Balakin)

To learn how to live in another, healthy dimension, you need to be fed with the right feelings - to meet the natural human needs. When needs are met, aggression, anger, desire to set their own rules will pass. However, it will be necessary to independently go through the path of becoming oneself - new, not humiliated and ingratiating, but worthy and interesting.

Every unfortunate hero is familiar with a feeling of disgust. He is disgusting to himself or to someone else.

Like any mentally injured person, the humiliated is doing everything so as not to be aware of his suffering. He is too afraid to experience the pain associated with injury. But at the same time he tries to preserve dignity at all costs.

Exercise 1

Feel like a very young child. 2 - 3 - 4 years old. You only know the world, feel it timidly, with interest. Most often with you is mom. Feel her pride in you. This is not the pride that reflects achievement. This is maternal pride - for your child, so capable, wonderful. It is a mother's joy about how great you manage to explore the world. She sees only good manifestations in you.

Transfer the pain of humiliation to pride in yourself.

And in every situation when you feel guilty without guilt, feel shame, embarrassment, translate it all into the new feelings described.

Life example

One day my mother gathered her daughter to preparatory school. The daughter made paper hare ears and put them on herself. And categorically refused to take them off in front of the school. It was precisely her intention to go “in ears” to school, and not at all in a beautiful white bow, as mom wanted.

Mom had to accept. Is it necessary to describe the feelings of a woman "from the closet" who was not used to being herself and did not know how to allow her children to do this? But what was her surprise when the teachers admired her daughter, creative spirit and courage, creativity of ideas!

In the exercise described, admiration should come from the mother. And it "protects" from the possible negative of others. And in the example it turned out the opposite ...

Exercise 2

Now tell yourself a "thank you" for protecting the people around you from pain like you, for caring for others and being sensitive. Thank you for being what you are.

Forgive yourself for not being able, did not know what to do in many cases ... It is not as easy to get rid of past behaviors that have deeply ingrained into adulthood as it may seem! And one (even two) exercises will not be enough. Here it is necessary to "turn over" the whole life, built not on those installations, based on false values. And this is what the reader is taught the above books. However, the hero can cope on his own - through Zen-Buddhism meditation (a whole article on this site is devoted to this topic) and reading these publications.