When relationships cease to arrange, for many it is not easy to understand how to decide to file for divorce from her husband and whether or not to do it at all. In an effort to get a quick and correct ready-made response, the desire to ask all your friends should be postponed, because they do not know the full situation or live in the wrong family life that you want.
Understanding the futility of the directive councils of the philistine household level will not give favorable results, since they will speak to you from the standpoint of their values and life situations that differ from specific moments.
When there are no common points of contact, and there are no remaining domestic and legal moments, thinking does not take a lot of time, but when you seek support in your choice, constantly weigh the situation and rush around between different options, it makes sense to take a pause.
You should give yourself a certain time when a mature decision will be made, rather than succumbing to a flash of temporary anger or resentment. Definitely one cannot be divorced in a state of heightened emotionality, from the desire for revenge or in trying to prove something - one can only aggravate one's further experiences, regret what was done when the journey back is cut off. If possible, leave the city or live in a rented apartment, in a hotel, with friends. It is necessary to stabilize emotions, and suddenly it turns out that in a couple of days of your own silence you missed and do not want to lose this person.
Imagine the situation without divorce and really assess your chances of being in these conditions (day, month, five years), are they really so terrible or just want an emotional shake. Make a list of all claims and consider whether there are opportunities to change the situation or your attitude. In difficult family systems, where there is room for violence of any nature or dependence of one of the partners, care is a psychologically difficult step, because the woman was in a toxic relationship and her psyche resources are depleted.
For many, it is important to decide on a divorce with a husband an alcoholic or a tyrant. At the same time, all logical and objective facts will speak about the need for quickness of radical measures, but codependency can hold stronger the instinct of self-preservation. It is better to contact a psychotherapist or visit the appropriate support groups.
It is worth assessing the possible future, but also the material side of what is happening - the availability of housing and the division of property, the restructuring of common work, the adjustment of meetings and relations with children. A lot of moments from this very area make women to remain, to suffer beatings or constant betrayals with their inadequacy. Here you can recommend to get legal advice, as well as advice and assistance from various organizations involved in the direct support of women in such a stalemate.
Deciding on a divorce if there are children can also be extremely difficult from the desire to maintain a full-fledged family, but with all the acting talents of the parents, the child still clearly sees and feels even brighter that the situation is unnatural. The formation of a healthy personality will be promoted more by a divorced family, where each parent is happy separately, than two suffering creatures holding together with their last strength.
Signs that it's time to get divorced
Crisis moments are the norm regardless of the duration, semantic content of the relationship and their official registration. But the crisis can in no way be considered the reason for divorce - it is rather a transitional transformational period, after which a new life and a new recognition of each other begin. To understand that this is not a crisis, but the end of a relationship can be asked by asking yourself a few questions concerning the future together and how much your vision coincides. If you want different things, set radically opposite priorities (for example, a man wants a child, and a woman travels the world), then it is hardly worth wasting each other’s time.
There are a number of compelling and absolute reasons for divorce, including the threat to a mental or physical condition. What is important here is not the difference in perception or goal setting, but also the coldness in the emotional manifestation, but the fact that the situation can end badly in a psychiatric hospital, traumatology, or even a morgue. At first, there is physical abuse, including beatings, cruel treatment, intimate harassment, and threats to life and health. That is, even when the husband can leave you without food, locked in an apartment or just swung, but not yet hit - these are the signals when you need to collect things while you have the strength to leave.
Any kind of dependence is in second place at the risk of being close to a person. Alcoholics are usually tolerated in our society, drug addicts are treated, and gamers are treated as completely ordinary people. However, all types of addiction destroy the identity of the user, which can later lead to the emergence of cruelty. In addition, the woman's own psyche is changing, the criteria of the norm are gradually eroding and as a result she also needs psychological rehabilitation.
Parasites and infantilism, lack of work and the desire to help the family, as well as taking full responsibility for its well-being and safety, deprive of reliability. Paired unions provide protection and support, but when a partner simply lives on female energy and decides at its expense all his needs, these are signs that it is time to divorce.
The result of such a relationship is almost always the same - having completely exhausted itself, a woman can no longer pull all one and then the man leaves in search of another resource. If the result is still about parting, then it is better to leave with full vital resources and the ability to build a new life, rather than remain de-energized.
Insults and humiliations especially in public are not just words, but emotional violence, which destroys self-esteem and self-identification of a woman. A tyrant with inclinations of a sadist will always gladly make fun of a sore subject, prick to the most open place. This can also be considered a betrayal, as the most vivid disrespect, and indeed, why maintain such a relationship. But this moment is very problematic for psychological development, because in the mentality of the postwar years it is still postponed that there are not enough men and to live with several families or with an alcoholic is better than one. But if your grandmother tolerated such an attitude, then you must endure it. Now times have changed, and there are all opportunities to live independently and happily.
When your marriage is held for the sake of children or in order to avoid conviction or disorder of relatives (an old grandmother will not survive this for sure), if you increasingly create the appearance of a happy family, you should divorce. When a woman strains her whole body from the presence of her spouse in the room, and then she runs to another with relief, then this option is no better than cheating on her, only now you steal from yourself the possibility of happiness.
Look closely at your marriage, estimate the amount of personal interaction and spiritual warmth in it, perhaps you have been living for several years like a student dormitory. Yes, you have one area where you meet, but no joint dinners, and holidays at different times.
When you notice that you have more interest, and awareness of the life of your colleague than your spouse, and sex has disappeared several years ago, then everything is bad. The intimate part is the brightest marker of relationships. Where there is hope, people will curse, slam doors, look at each other, like unknown animals, but at night they will be full of passion. And vice versa, if even the external picture is ideal and respectful, but there is no physical attraction, and cold or even disgust comes in its place, then there is nothing to save and it’s better to stop creating appearance.
Tips for a psychologist, how to decide on a divorce from her husband
When it comes to understanding that a divorce from a husband is necessary, the next moment is a search for strength and determination to leave. The lack of firmness of the position, constant anxiety, and sometimes quite tangible fear are usually dictated not so much by the remaining feelings and the hope of something to fix, as by the fear of change. New life requires a lot of new decisions, adaptations, energy and collision with those questions of reality that previously could not exist in your life.
In order to have more determination, you need to draw yourself a plan for the desire to end the relationship. Going nowhere is possible only at the limit and in a situation of life danger, if relationships are not critical for life safety, then it is worth spending time to realize what you want in a new life. This concerns both the place of residence and the format of the new relationship (or the lack of a temporary or total).
Perhaps it will be a question of changing jobs and the overall direction of activity. For women, the actual moment is her own appearance and the image that had been with her before. Having formed a detailed plan for the desired life, it is necessary to move on to strategic planning, that is, a realistic assessment of the existing assets and ways of achieving the desired. Something can be done already in the process of submitting documents, for example, to change the style and look for new housing. It takes time to resolve other issues - if you have never worked, and now you need money, or a common business may require the separation not only of the financial part, but also of the effort invested.
Once the internal plan is ready, you should prepare for the conversation with your husband. Here, too, everything should be well thought out, to assess the degree of his affective reaction. If you are moving away from a jealous man, the conversation is recommended to be held in neutral territory in order to avoid causing physical damage or house imprisonment. Departing from a person who is psychologically dependent on you, prepare yourself for moral blackmail (better still to insure yourself with friends) in case of suicidal attempts. Not all situations can be monitored and resolved on your own, so when the passions run high, immediately call the police or the rapid response service.
If your husband is an adequate person, and you leave just because there are no passions between you, then you can discuss everything at home, choosing a free evening and it is better that there be a weekend ahead to solve the task. In a conversation, you need to designate your decision, indicate the reasons for your choice (this is a necessary step, allowing you to complete the relationship) and suggest jointly solving all legal and material issues.
A separate difficult point is the conversation with children, which women are usually afraid of even more than with their spouse. Do not lie to the child that everything between you is good and that it is only temporary. In soft language with your husband, tell us what you are doing, be sure to emphasize that the baby is not guilty and remains loved for both of you. It is important for the baby to understand how his life will now be built, so the conversation must be built after both spouses have imagined options for the future - it is this new way of life that needs to be described to the child, so that he understands where he will live, with whom, how often see the other parent. You can talk to those who totally support you, and even better, are able to provide assistance with actions or help with practical experience.
After the decision is negotiated, the legal side begins. Marriage entered into by the state is terminated only at the registry office, it’s just impossible to disperse, because officially you remain one. If this relationship does not suit only a woman, then the man may try to keep the marriage formal for various reasons and refuse voluntary termination. There is no need to be afraid, rescission is possible under compulsion, and even without the presence of a husband - you will be divorced by the relevant authorities solely on the basis of your application. The only thing - it will take more time and nerves.
In the process of divorce, property is divided, which occurs on the basis of the documents of the marriage agreement or under articles regulated by law. The issue of alimony may also be raised in court, but by mutual consent of the parties you can not do this - this is suitable if the woman is sufficiently secure and does not want to depend on the ex-husband, reducing the number of contacts and obligations. But in many situations, lawyers recommend opening this question to obtain material support in the first adaptation period. By law, alimony can be recovered, being financially and physically dependent person who is on the support of her husband for the entire period of marriage, a woman has the right to be paid personally for her needs and maintenance.
Legal property relations after the divorce proceedings are terminated and from that moment all achievements and obligations, except those established by the court (alimony or framework governing communication) cease. Neither the ex-husband nor the wife can no longer demand any other help, support or compensation.
The issue of changing the family name is separately regulated if a woman took her husband’s name during marriage registration. This question remains at the personal discretion of the woman, but it is worth considering the need to change all documents when returning to the maiden name or choosing another.
Negotiations through the courts are not always successful, they require long waiting periods when the spouses are given time to think about their decisions. That is why it makes sense to solve everything individually, with registration by private lawyers. Going to a compromise solution in the end, you can get more important acquisitions than at home, stocks and multicookers - saved nerves and emotional balance.